Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for December 13th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HEY SENATOR INHOFE, HOW MUCH STOCK DID YOU BUY?

Just days after signaling his support for unprecedented levels of U.S. defense spending, Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), the chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, reported purchasing tens of thousands of dollars of stock in one of the nation’s top defense contractors. After The Daily Beast asked about the purchase, Inhofe’s office said the senator had contacted his financial adviser to cancel the transaction and instructed him to avoid defense and aerospace purchases going forward. Inhofe, who took over the top spot on Armed Services after the death of Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) in August, has repeatedly pressed President Donald Trump to dramatically scale up the Pentagon’s annual budget, which currently stands at $717 billion.

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Boner Candidate #2: ALL THAT AND A PACK OF MUSTARD

Five people were charged Tuesday in what investigators say was a plot to smuggle drugs into the Central Utah Correctional Facility in Gunnison using fast food. Talon Hamann, 24, Kelcy Roberts, 28, Patrick Sullivan, 32, Colton Olsen, 23, and Brian Patrick Olsen, 55, are each charged in Sanpete County’s 6th District Court with attempted drug distribution in a prison. Brian Olsen received an additional charge of drug possession, a third degree felony.All are from Gunnison except Brian Olsen, who is from Murray. Sanpete County Attorney Kevin Daniels said the investigation began when prison officials received information of a plan to smuggle drugs. Investigators monitored mail and phone conversations coming from the prison from July 11 through July 26. During that time, inmate Colton Olsen gave Brian Olsen, who had paroled out of prison, instructions on how to drop off drugs that would be picked up, according to several search warrants served by the Sanpete County Sheriff’s Office.

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Boner Candidate #3: A SWORD IS NOT MATCH FOR A CAR.

In a fit of road rage, a drunken man chased a car while brandishing a sword and snow shovel before spitting at police when they took him into custody Saturday, according to jail records. Early Saturday morning, the man became embroiled in “a road rage incident” on Pioneer Road in Draper, according to jail records. He then followed the other car involved in the incident to the driver’s workplace on Fort Street and confronted the person inside the car, attempting to punch them through the window. He missed the first time he swung, but yelled, ‘You are lucky because I could kill you right now!,’ then swung again, hitting the victim in the nose, records show. He then began running back to his car while the driver of the other vehicle followed him and called police. When the man realized the other car was following him, he took a large sword out of his vehicle and began running toward the driver in the other car, jail records show.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: A PROPER SHEEP DOESN’T HAVE RED LIPS AND A MUSTACHE

Last Thursday, a Scotland mom was embarrassed when she realized she had sent her 5-year-old son to a nativity with a sex doll. Helen Cox, 46, says she purchased the blow-up sheep on Amazon back in November without realizing what it actually was until her son Alfie was sent home from school because of it. “I just can’t believe it. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! How am I going to explain this to his teachers?” the mom of two said. “I have no idea if they’ve seen it was a sex toy and that’s why they sent it home – I’m mortified!” Cox says she was confused when Alfie got in trouble for having it at school. When he got home, she realized the doll, which had been listed online as “Labreeze kids boys brown shepherd costume inflatable sheep nativity fancy dress outfit,” had a large hole in its bottom along with painted-on eyelashes and red lips.

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Boner Candidate #2: IF IT’S NOT MATERIAL WHY DID THEY LIE ABOUT IT?

The justices of the Utah Supreme Court focused on lies and payments to witnesses in the case against death row inmate Douglas Carter. Whether it is material to the homicide case or not could help decide if Carter lives or dies. The state’s top court heard arguments on Wednesday largely focusing on the statements. Douglas Carter (image provided by the Utah Dept. of Corrections)
Carter is facing execution for the 1985 murder of Eva Olesen in Provo. Prosecutors said the 57-year-old woman, who was a relative of Provo’s then-police chief, had been stabbed 10 times and shot in the back of the head in a home-invasion robbery. Carter was placed at the scene by two key witnesses in the case, Epifanio and Lucia Tovar, who told police he had confessed to them. In court, the Tovars claimed they had only been paid $14 for their testimony. But Carter’s lawyers found later it was much more than that — police paid their rent and bills — and suggested the Tovars were instructed to lie about it.

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Boner Candidate #3:SORRY. YOU VIOLATED STORE POLICY BY SAVING THE DAY.

A CVS employee from Indiana says both he and a pharmacist were fired after fighting off a man threatening to steal oxycodone. CVS axed Zac Phillips, from Greenfield, days after he and the pharmacist, who is not being publicly identified, tackled suspect Jagger Maupin, 22, to the floor on Nov. 8. Phillips worked at CVS for five years, WISH-TV reported. “You really don’t have time to think in these situations, it happened in a flash,” Phillips said. “(They) showed my pharmacist a note saying ‘This is a pharmacy robbery.”
Phillips said CVS told him and the pharmacist that they violated store policy by “initiating a physical confrontation.” But Phillips claims he was merely acting in defense after seeing the suspect push the pharmacist. “I was defending myself, defending my pharmacist,” Phillips told Fox 59. “If we get attacked, we are not even allowed to defend ourselves.” Surveillance footage from the incident shows Phillips and the pharmacist wrestling the suspect to the floor as the suspect is trying to run out the door.

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