Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for December 18th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HEY PAL. IT’S DODGE BALL. IF YOU DON’T DODGE, YOU GET HIT BY THE FRICKIN BALL.

Playing dodge ball with this Florida man will necessitate more than sidestepping rubber projectiles, police said. Halid Dedic, 22, of St. Petersburg, was taken into custody late Friday after a game of dodge ball at a trampoline arena in Largo took a violent turn, WFLA reports. Police said Dedic got so enraged after getting struck by a ball during the game that he tracked down and tried to tackle a 15-year-old who popped him. But Dedic fell during the aggressive maneuver, only to get back up on his feet and charge the teen victim again, according to an affidavit obtained by the station. Dedic — who is 6-foot-1 and weighs 165 pounds, according to jail records — then got in the teen’s face before slapping him with an “open hand,” leaving the boy with a red mark on his face, the affidavit states.

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Boner Candidate #2:THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN’T SCARE ME.

Cardboard cutouts of police Chief Andrew Smith don’t just walk out the door on their own, you know. You’ve probably seen them around in area stores: life-sized cutouts of the Green Bay police chief looking very stern as he warns people against the evils — and the risks — of shoplifting. Well, some dastardly thief accepted it as a challenge. He walked off with one of the cardboard cutouts of the chief. It happened Sunday night at the Kwik Trip at 1712 E. Mason St. As you can imagine, the police are taking it extremely seriously. “No demands have been received from the kidnappers at this point,” reported Lt. Tom Buchmann on the official “attempt to locate” notification he put out to the evening patrol officers. He helpfully included a photo of the chief, in case some of the younger officers weren’t quite sure who or what they were looking for.

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Boner Candidate #3: ONE BY ONE THEY’RE LEAVING THE GARBAGE SCOW HELMED BY TUCKER CARLSON

Indeed, which proclaims itself the world’s top job site, said Monday it has stopped advertising on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show and has “no plans to advertise on this program in the future.” Indeed said in messages to several people who asked on Twitter about its advertising that the company hadn’t run ads on “Tucker Carlson Tonight” for “over a month now.”  “As a company, we are nonpartisan ― our site is for everyone, regardless of background or beliefs,” Indeed said in a statement to HuffPost. “Indeed has not advertised on the Tucker Carlson Tonight program in over a month, and has no plans to do so in the future.” The announcement follows Carlson’s rant last week in which he called immigrants “dirty.” Life insurer Pacific Life tweeted over the weekend that the company strongly disagrees with Carlson’s comments and would stop advertising on his show “as we re-evaluate our relationship with his program.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: BUTT BITER

A former middle school teacher has pleaded guilty to biting a 14-year-old girl’s butt as the teen played water volleyball during a Fourth of July celebration in Georgia. Jonathan William Herbert, 30, will serve 30 days in jail and four years probation under the plea deal reached on Friday, according to The Daily Mail. Herbert allegedly did nothing to hide his actions: Multiple witnesses saw the drunken educator swim underwater and bite the girl while in a lake north of Atlanta, authorities said. The perv then tried to bribe a cop with $200 after he was nabbed. He didn’t have any connection to the girl or her family. Herbert resigned from his teaching job on Aug. 1. His battery, public drunkenness and bribery charges will be wiped from his record if he completes his sentence without any problems. Herbert is also barred from teaching and can’t be seen in areas “where children congregate,” according to court records.

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Boner Candidate #2:I’M BETTING IT WAS COLDPLAY

Police in Mesa say a man is in custody for allegedly killing his roommate over their choice of music. They say 41-year-old Sheldon Sturgill is jailed on suspicion of second-degree murder. It was unclear Monday if Sturgill has a lawyer yet. Police say officers were sent to an apartment complex last Friday about a reported shooting and found Sturgill at the scene. Sturgill reportedly told officers he shot his roommate after an argument and fist fight over the type of music they were listening to at the time. Police say the victim was pronounced dead at the scene. That person’s name and age haven’t been released yet. Sturgill told police he had been drinking shots and beer with his roommate before the fight and shooting occurred.

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Boner Candidate #3: AT THE MOMENT I AM CASH POOR.

A McDonald’s worker apparently wasn’t lovin’ it when a drive-thru customer reportedly tried to trade marijuana for food, according to Port St. Lucie police. The case happened as police about 2 a.m. Sunday were called to the McDonald’s in the 3100 block of Southwest Port St. Lucie Boulevard, police said. “The McDonald’s worker told police that a man in a Pontiac four-door drove through the drive-thru of the McDonald’s trying to exchange a baggie of marijuana for food,” police said in a Facebook post. “The McDonald’s worker refused and the car drove off.” Police got a description of the man with the apparent Mickey D’s munchies and stayed in the area. “A short time later, the suspect again went through the drive-thru of the McDonald’s,” police said. “(Police) made contact with the suspect and noticed a heavy odor of marijuana emitting from the car.”

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