Round One
Boner Candidate #1: MAYBE YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME THE FIRST TIME I THREW THE BABY
Boner Candidate #2: IS THAT A SANDWHICH IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?
The Polk County Sheriff’s Office is searching for a sandwich thief who they say shoved a foot-long sub down his pants. The crime happened back on Sunday, Nov. 25 at the Marathon Gas Station on Pipkin Road in Lakeland. Deputies are still searching for the man seen in surveillance footage. According to a post on the sheriff’s office Facebook page, the man went into the gas station around 8:45 p.m. and concealed a foot-long sandwich in the front of his pants. “Now, stop right there. We know what you are thinking. Please resist – this is a respectable Facebook page. We are just reporting the facts,” the sheriff’s office wrote. “Too bad it wasn’t a hot sandwich – that would have provided instant Karma to the pilferer.” Deputies say the man then bought a Polar Pop and left without paying for the sandwich. He rode away on a bike. “We hope to identify this suspect so he can be caught and pay for his crime,” the sheriff’s office said. “This should also serve as notice to all as to why you do not take food from a stranger. You don’t know where it’s been.”
Boner Candidate #3: WAY TO GO ORRIN. END YOUR CAREER BY STANDING UP FOR WHAT’S RIGHT.
Sen. Orrin Hatch on Monday dismissed new court papers directly implicating President Donald Trump in efforts to buy women’s silence, saying the matter is irrelevant because the economy is booming and the payments were made before Trump was elected to the White House. Hatch, R-Utah, who is retiring at the end of his current term, told CNN’s Manu Raju that the years before Trump became president are “another world.” “Since he’s become president this economy has charged ahead,” Hatch said, adding, “And I think we ought to judge him on that basis other than trying to drum up things from the past that may or may not be true.” The Republican also told Raju that “you can make anything a crime under the current laws” and that he believes Trump is doing a good job. Earlier in his congressional career, during Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial in 1999, Hatch voted to convict the president, saying in a statement at the time that “committing crimes of moral turpitude such as perjury and obstruction of justice go to the heart of qualification for public office.”
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: SOMEBODY FIND ME A PROOF-READER.
Spell check isn’t always your friend — more like a casual acquaintance. Just look at what happened to the Post-Journal’s stunning headline for an AP story they picked up this weekend about Julia Roberts. It’s very possible the editor used spell check. Unfortunately for the paper, the function doesn’t always pick up on errors like this one: Clearly the headline meant to read “roles” not “holes.” For the record, however, I’m happy for Roberts either way. Holes do tend to decline with age, kudos to anyone who’s able to reverse the cycle. Here’s what the Post-Journal had to say about it: “A headline on Page D4 in Saturday’s Post-Journal should have read ‘Julia Roberts Finds Life And Her Roles Get Better With Age.'”
Boner Candidate #2: YOU ONLY HAVE TO LOOK IN THERE ONCE TO SEE I AIN’T GOT A WEAPON.
The city of Washington, DC, is settling a lawsuit with a black man who accused a Metro police officer of repeatedly probing his anal cavity during a weapons search. News outlets report the American Civil Liberties Union DC announced last week that Washington admits no wrongdoing and will pay an undisclosed amount to M.B. Cottingham. The ACLU and the 40-year-old Cottingham sued police in July over the September 2017 search by Officer Sean Lojacono, who denies inappropriately touching Cottingham. Video shows Lojacono repeatedly searching Cottingham’s groin area. No weapons were found, and Cottingham wasn’t arrested or charged.
The lawsuit accused Lojacono of violating Cottingham’s Fourth Amendment protection against unreasonable searches.
Boner Candidate #3: I GET ALL MY WELLNESS TECHNIQUES FROM THE INTERNET
A DOCTOR has revealed a horrifying case in which a woman was left brain-dead after an internet hoax went horribly wrong. The incident, outlined on medical YouTube channel Chubbyemu, involves a 39-year-old woman, identified as CG, who presented to emergency services with a rapidly deteriorating mental status. Dr Bernard discussed the case on the Chubbyemu channel on YouTube Earlier that day the woman had been performing a “soy sauce colon cleanse” — a dangerous internet fad which involves people drinking a litre of soy sauce in two hours. The woman was already unwell – she had lost 11kg in the past three weeks and had started a white bread and canned fish-only diet six months ago. She had also recently been released from a psychiatric hospital for what was believed to be paranoid schizophrenia. The woman had the paranoid belief the government had poisoned her and had read online that the soy sauce colon cleanse would rid her body of toxins.
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