Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for April 4th, 2019

Round 1

Candidate #1: WE WERE DOING SOME PRODUCT TESTING.

Two men were arrested in Arkansas this week after allegedly taking turns shooting each other while wearing a bulletproof vest, a police report has said. Charles Eugene Ferris, age 50, and Christopher Hicks, age 36, were detained on Monday after the incident, which took place on Sunday and left one neighbor alarmed. Details of the case were inside an arrest affidavit obtained by the Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.  According to the affidavit, a deputy with the Benton County Sheriff’s Office first interviewed Ferris after he was admitted to hospital late Sunday night. The man reportedly had a red spot on his upper chest but tried to concoct an elaborate cover story for the injury, police said.

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Candidate #2: SEEMS TO BE A DISCREPANCY IN THE CHARGES HERE.

A woman who was brutally attacked by a man wielding a gun in Texas last month has now been hit with a felony criminal mischief charge—sparking community outrage. L’Daijohnique Lee, 24, has been accused of damaging the windows of a vehicle driven by the man accused of her violent assault, 30-year-old Austin Shuffield. The beating took place on March 21 in Deep Ellum, a Dallas neighborhood, and was captured on a witness’s phone.
In a press conference yesterday, Dallas Police Department deputy chief Thomas Castro said Lee admitted to damaging the windows, however that action was not captured on video. The damages were estimated at just over $3,000 and the case will progress to a grand jury, he noted.

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Candidate #3: IM A TOUCHY PERSON

Months after former city employees accused Grantsville Mayor Brent Marshall of fostering a demeaning and intimidating work environment, a heavily redacted report detailing the findings of an investigation into the accusations has come to public light. In the 16-page report, Marshall admitted to putting zip tie “handcuffs” around the wrists of a city employee, putting his arms on a resident, and raising his voice at another former city employee — but he didn’t admit to any wrongdoing, calling himself a “touchy person.”

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Round 2

Candidate #1: THEY’RE DUMPING ILLEGALS AT YOUR KIDS SCHOOL

In his latest heated remarks about the border situation, Fox News host Brian Kilmeade claimed Wednesday that “illegals” who “don’t speak English” are entering American schools not just in border cities but in working-class areas. The Fox & Friends co-host made the comment after playing a clip of former MS-13 gang member Casey Diaz speaking on fellow Fox News host Laura Ingraham’s show. “I can tell you from being in meetings in the past when I was active in the gang … in these caravans, you are going to see a lot of MS-13,” Diaz said. “You’re going to see a lot of gangs and they’re going to try to get in here. That’s just the bottom line.”

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Candidate #2: WE USED TO PROTECT CHILDREN AND CONSUMERS BUT THAT’S NOT BUSINESS FRIENDLY

The crashes were brutal. With no warning, the front wheel on the three-wheeled BOB jogging strollers fell off, causing the carriages to careen and even flip over. Adults shattered bones. They tore ligaments. Children smashed their teeth. They gashed their faces. One child bled from his ear canal. Staff members at the Consumer Product Safety Commission collected 200 consumer-submitted reports from 2012 to 2018 of spontaneous failure of the stroller wheel, which is secured to a front fork by a quick-release lever, like on a bicycle. Nearly 100 adults and children were injured, according to the commission. The agency’s staff members investigated for months before deciding in 2017 that one of the most popular jogging strollers on the market was unsafe and needed to be recalled. “The danger that was there was just so obvious,” said Marietta Robinson, a former Democratic commissioner who was still at the agency when the injury reports surfaced. “It was appalling.”

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Candidate #3: I’LL BE DEFENDING MYSELF YOUR HONOR

If you’re driving near downtown Joliet, you can’t help but notice the 10-story-high Will County Courthouse under construction. Less than two weeks ago, the Joliet Police Department made a one-of-a-kind arrest when officers captured a man who used a parachute to jump off the building during the middle of the night. Adam R. Wirtz, 35, of North Aurora, was arrested by the Joliet Police on charges of criminal trespass to state supported land, police reports show. The incident happened Friday, Feb. 22. The time of the crime was 1:22 a.m.  While most of Joliet was sound asleep in their beds, “Officers observed a subject parachuting off of the new courthouse that is under construction and landing near the officers,” police reports show.

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