Boner Candidate #1: OH, THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE.
A man who works for the MTA, Henry Herring, claimed he was attacked by an unhinged stranger. However it turned out he bladed his own hands in an attempt to get out of work with pay. Brooklyn resident Henry Herring stated, “I know what I did looks like something very horrible, whatever, but I have a very good reason for what I did. He said his lady friend had two separate surgeries and had brain leakage. He promised to visit her every day after work. Henry claimed, “I did something stupid. At the end of the day, I did it for someone I love.” He later told police, “My goal was to have the summer off because it was too hot down there.” Which is something Henry has since denied by saying, “No, I didn’t say that. The cop said that. ‘You just wanted the summer off, didn’t you?’ I was shaking my head. I was distraught. The cop I was talking to … he said it came from a three-star chief, that’s the MTA transit police. They gave him that, not me.”
Boner Candidate #2: THE NAME OF YOUR PRODUCT IS MISLEADING THE PUBLIC
Waist watchers everywhere are leaping at the chance to chug some ‘tadpole water’. The ingredients are nothing more than a bottle of warm H2O, a couple tablespoons of chia seeds and a squeeze of fresh lemon, but most are claiming it is shedding pounds. The name comes from some likeness to tiny frogs swimming in a pond. Research suggests that chia seeds can improve digestion as well as weight management. A recent report from Harvard Health stated, “Chia seeds are packed with nutrients that may support numerous health benefits. When chia seeds are ingested, they form a gel-like substance in the stomach that can increase your feeling of fullness and decrease your appetite and calorie intake.” However a warning, make sure to soak your Chia seeds otherwise it will expand in your stomach which will cause blockage!
WINNER!
Boner Candidate #3: THEY SACRIFICED FOR THEIR COUNTRY AND THEY’RE REPAID WITH DUCT TAPE AND LOANER LEGS.
Post-9/11 veterans with prosthetics are now making their way to Capitol Hill because of the delay, cost, and repossession of those prosthetics. Travis Vendela had both of his legs blown off from an improvised explosive device. He technically died three times. Scott Restivo lost his legs in 2018 during a surgery to address injuries sustained is Afghanistan. Boner cancer took the left leg of veteran Matt Brown. No one will have to wonder what these men gave to their country, but it seems the country is struggling to take care of the men who are taking care of it. “I’m not asking for a quarter-million-dollar payoff or something like that,” said Restivo, “I just want my life to be as functional as it can be.” Vendela said, “You don’t want to feel like you’re beholden to somebody else, or that somebody else is required to just leave your house. Knowing that I can drive is therapeutic, because you don’t feel so handicapped.” Matt Brown claimed, “I had a body part repossessed, because the VA couldn’t facilitate care.”
