Boner Candidate #1: I DID IT BECAUSE I OWN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE PIRATES.
A man named Mark Uterstaedt in Connecticut was taken into custody by police this past Saturday on multiple charges. Uterstaedt had the police called on him because he was in the front yard of a neighbor digging it up. When the neighbors husband of the yard went out to ask him to leave, he swung the rock rake he was using to dig at him. When police arrived on the scene, they learned that Uterstaedt was digging on his belief he owned the neighborhood and that he thought the neighbors were pirates.
via WSAZ
Boner Candidate #2: HE CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE. HE’S BECOMING A MUMMY.
A couple from Kansas City, named Lynn and Kirk Ritter, have been charged with fraud on a federal level, after cashing checks on behalf of Lynn’s dead father, Mike Carroll. Not only were they cashing checks for retirement benefits of over $215,000 on behalf of Carroll, they had been concealing his mummified body in a room in their home since 2016, when Carroll’s pacemaker shows he passed away. The Ritter’s were always able to make an excuse as to why Carroll wasn’t around to cash the checks himself. The couple are to appear in federal court on February 2nd.
via Fox 13
WINNER!
Boner Candidate #3: I DON’T KNOW IF THE SENATOR IS A ‘GODLESS HEATHEN’, BUT HE IS CERTAINLY A GODLESS HYPOCRITE.
Richard Holtorf, Republican State Representative of Colorado, said this past Friday that he helped pay for an abortion of a girlfriend from when he was younger, while the other girlfriend he later impregnated gave her baby up for adoption. “I respected her rights and actually gave her money to help her through her important, critical time so she could live her best life,” said Holtorf while discussing a resolution for Roe v. Wade. Holtorf has been open before that he is a Pro-Life Catholic, so this comment has been confusing to say the least. Holtorf has gone to say that he thinks that pro-choice supporters are “godless heathens.” Holtorf made a long post on Facebook, in conclusion, saying that the girlfriend who had undergone an abortion had done so without talking to him about it. It was after that he gave her financial aid. “These snake oil peddlers will not shake my resolve as they stoop to attack my character and pro- life stance. I will always stand strong and advocate for the pro-life movement. The lesson here is to respect life and encourage women to choose life,” Holtorf concluded in his post.
via 9 News
