Round One
Boner Candidate #1: LUNCHROOM ASSAULT
A Magna family is accusing a cafeteria worker of hurting their son at Guadalupe School. “I got really scared,” 8-year-old Nathaniel said with his arm in a sling. His family says he suffered a pulled muscle that came from an encounter with a lunchroom employee on Monday at Guadalupe School, located in the Rose Park neighborhood of Salt Lake City. “When she grabbed my hand, she grabbed it and she pulled it up and she twisted it,” he said. The second-grader admits to playing with his friend and was not listening to the employee before he was hurt. By the time she twisted it I started crying because it started stinging and it hurt,” he said. Outraged, Nathaniel’s mother said that’s no reason to grab her son.
Boner Candidate #2: THE CORONAVIRUS WILL LEAD TO A STRONGER ECONOMY
It’s hard to believe he actually said this out loud. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross has said he thinks the coronavirus outbreak in China, which has killed 170 people and infected more than 7,700, will boost the U.S. economy. Appearing on Fox Business Network, Ross was asked whether the deadly virus will disrupt the Chinese economy. He started off well, saying: “Every American’s heart has to go out to the victims of the coronavirus, so I don’t want to talk about a victory lap over a very unfortunate, very malignant disease.” However, Ross then immediately went on to do exactly that.
Boner Candidate #3: HEY 911…WANNA FOOL AROUND?
A Wisconsin man with a well-documented history of making frivolous calls to the police was apparently in the mood for love when cops say he repeatedly called 911, asking dispatchers to ‘fool around’ and ‘spend quality time’ with him. Benjamin Duddles, 47, from Waukesha, was arrested last week on misdemeanor counts related to drug possession and unlawful phone use stemming from his communications with 911 dispatchers. According to a criminal complaint obtained by The Smoking Gun, Duddles was high on THC when he dialed a non-emergency line at the Waukesha Police Department four times in a span of 37 minutes on January 21, and propositioned both male and female dispatchers.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1:PUT THAT DICK IN JAIL.
The graffiti artist dubbed “Penis Man” could be facing hard time after a SWAT team took him down in Phoenix … potentially ending a looooong string of vandalism. Yes, crime size matters. Cops in Tempe, AZ say 38-year-old Dustin Shomer is behind the “Penis Man” spree — the words have been tagged all over Arizona State dorms, local businesses, municipal buildings and even the famous “A” landmark above the campus … dating back to November. Shomer was arrested last weekend, and charged with 16 counts of aggravated criminal damage, 8 counts of criminal damage and 1 count of criminal trespass in the first degree. The suspect says he was taken in a pretty ballsy raid — 25 heavily armed SWAT officers swarming his apartment complex before arresting him at gunpoint.
Boner Candidate #2: I’VE READ 25 BOOKS
Jared Kushner has sparked ridicule after suggesting that he was qualified to steer the Middle East peace process because he had read 25 books on the subject. Kushner made the boast in an interview with Sky News Arabia in which he also declared he had ‘spoken to every leader in the region’. Viewers quickly responded by applying Kushner’s logic to suggest that they could fly a plane or play in the NBA if they had read enough about it. The president’s son-in-law is the principal architect of the Israel-Palestine peace proposal which Donald Trump unveiled on Tuesday. Israel has hailed the proposal but the Palestinians have fiercely rejected the plan – prompting Kushner to remark that they ‘always screw everything up’.
Boner Candidate #3:WORST ADVERTISEMENT EVER.
A New Zealand bar has been slammed for cashing in on the coronavirus, advertising a “tasteless” Corona beer promotion. House of Hood, in Hamilton, said in a now-deleted poster that all Coronas would be $6.50 “while the pandemic lasts”. It featured two men in hazmat suits and face masks holding up Coronas.The post was taken down after Lion, which distributes the beer in New Zealand, complained and said they wanted it removed. However, a new poster has replaced it, with the wording changed. “Let’s be honest, there are worse things you can catch in Hamilton,” it reads. “Coronas still $6.50 all summer long.” There have been 7711 confirmed cases of coronavirus around the world and at least 170 deaths.People have been left outraged over the ads on social media.
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