Round 1
Candidate #1: SQUIDWARD FIGHTS BACK
A Chinese vlogger found out the hard way that trying to eat a live octopus can really suck. The seafood lover – who is known as “seaside girl Little Seven” and shares videos on the Chinese platform Kuaishou — tried to devour the wriggling cephalopod, but it had other ideas, according to Metro UK. She begins screaming in the 50-second clip as the ill-tempered Squidward-wannabe of SpongeBob SquarePants fame puts up a fight that leaves her in pain. “I can’t remove it!” she cries out as she tries to pry a tentacle from her upper lip. “Look how hard it’s sucking!”
Once she removes the octopus, which left a small, bloody wound on her cheek, she declares that ‘I’ll eat it in the next video.”
“My face is disfigured,” she says. One social media user said the young woman deserved what she got. “She tried to eat the octopus and the octopus tried to eat her too,” the user said. Another added: “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”
Candidate #2: THESE ARE MY BROTHER’S PANTS
There can be dangers associated with wearing your brother’s pants. Jeffery Junior Davis, 59, of Fort Pierce appears to have learned that the hard way, according to an arrest affidavit.
The April 19 case began about 8:17 p.m. when Fort Pierce police say a Ford Explorer didn’t come to a complete stop at North 24th Street and Avenue E. Police stopped the Ford and spoke to the driver, identified as Davis. Davis told investigators he didn’t have a license. He further said the tag on the Ford didn’t belong to it, and that he put it on so he could drive to the store. In light of the alleged license and tag infractions, it could be said Davis was caught with his pants down. Police searched Davis and reported finding a small amount of crack cocaine in a pocket of his pants, a garment that covers the body from the waist to the ankles.
“Man, these are my brother’s pants,” Davis is quoted as exclaiming. Davis likely needed this encounter with police like a kick in the pants because he was arrested on charges of cocaine possession and driving while license suspended.
Candidate #3: PLEASE, ANTI VAXERS, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
The lawyer for a Kentucky high school student who wasn’t allowed to participate in school activities because he wasn’t vaccinated for chickenpox says his client has now contracted the illness. Attorney Christopher Wiest of Covington told The Kentucky Enquirer that 18-year-old Jerome Kunkel came down with chickenpox last week. Wiest says Kunkel is “fine” and “a little itchy.” After an outbreak, students who weren’t vaccinated were ordered to stay away from Our Lady of the Assumption Church school and activities. Kunkel sued the Northern Kentucky Health Department, claiming the vaccine is against his religious beliefs, and others joined in. A judge last month denied the request to return to activities. Wiest said Tuesday about half his clients have contracted chickenpox since filing the case. He said he told parents that a child’s getting chickenpox would be the quickest way to resolve the case, since a bout of chickenpox confers immunity.
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Round 2
Candidate #1: YOU ARE AN ASS
A Florida Man landed behind bars Sunday after he refused to remove an “I Eat Ass” sticker from the rear window of his new truck, according to an arrest report. Dillon Shane Webb, 23, was driving near his home in Lake City when a cop spotted the sticker and pulled over Webb’s Chevrolet extended cab pickup. The Columbia County Sheriff’s Office deputy contended that the sticker violated the state’s obscene material statute, and asked Webb how “a parent of a small child would explain the meaning of the words ‘I EAT ASS.'” After issuing Webb a notice to appear ticket, the deputy asked him to alter the sticker so that it would “no longer be derogatory.” Webb declined the request, citing First Amendment speech protections. The deputy then took Webb into custody on a charge of resisting an officer without violence, a misdemeanor. He was also charged with possession of obscene material, also a misdemeanor. After placing Webb into the back of a squad car, the cop called for a tow truck, which subsequently removed Webb’s truck from the scene.
Candidate #2: STEVE HARVEY NEEDS TO GET SOME SLEEP
Steve Harvey is once again offering up some expert advice to viewers– but unfortunately, it’s not sitting well with many of his fans. In a now-viral clip from a recent episode of Steve, Harvey is seen lecturing his studio audience on the subject of “Sleep vs. Wealth,” and promotes the notion that rich people don’t have time to get a full night’s sleep if they want to be successful.
“Rich people don’t sleep eight hours a day,” Harvey say emphatically. “That’s a third of your life. There ain’t but twenty-four hours in a day. You cannot be sleeping eight hours a day.”
The daytime host went on to say that people who live on the West Coast should be waking up earlier than 8 a.m., due to the time difference, adding that by 8 a.m. Pacific Time, “the stock market has been open two hours.”
Candidate #3: IT’S WATER YOU DOPES.
Water has gone punk. With $1.6 million in fresh seed funding led by Science Inc., the cofounder and CEO Mike Cessario is ready to bring Liquid Death, his direct-to-consumer canned-water startup, to prime time. That’s right: Despite the name, Liquid Death is nothing but good old-fashioned H2O, served in a tallboy can. Cessario is familiar with eye-catching marketing, having worked on viral promotions for the Netflix original series “House of Cards,” “Stranger Things,” and “Narcos.” He tapped into his background playing in punk and heavy-metal bands to come up with Liquid Death, because, he says, “nothing’s better than water at murdering your thirst.” Cessario’s “straight edge” contemporaries were looking for a water brand that spoke to them, instead of to “Whole Foods yoga moms,” as he puts it. Straight-edge punks are sober, Cessario said, but still otherwise all in on the punk lifestyle. “Red Bull blurs the lines — are they an energy-drinks company or action-sports brand?” Cessario said. “You just don’t see that in the health space and with the healthy brands. I don’t drink soda or energy drinks, and neither do most of my friends.” Liquid Death is available only online. Interested customers, punk and not, can purchase the sustainably sourced Austrian water in 12-packs of tallboy cans. Cessario said that while his company was initially designed for straight-edgers, he’s still selling a product — that is, water — that could appeal to any demographic.
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