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Boner Candidates January 11th, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: TRUMP ADMIRES THE WAY KIM JONG UN RUNS HIS COUNTRY

Donald Trump, a man who could be called equally as fascist as many a dictator who came before him, has a new hero—or, rather, a new supreme leader. The Republican presidential frontrunner said at a rally in Iowa on Saturday that the North Korean leader deserves credit for the way he has governed one of the most authoritarian countries in the world. The Toronto Star’s Daniel Dale reports that Trump marveled at the dictator’s accomplishments:“If you look at North Korea, this guy, he’s like a maniac. OK? And you’ve got to give him credit: how many young guys — he was like 26 or 25 when his father died — take over these tough generals, and all of a sudden — you know, it’s pretty amazing when you think of it. How does he do that? As Dale pointed out, Kim “does that” through murder. Trump went on: “Even though it is a culture, and it’s a cultural thing, he goes in, he takes over, he’s the boss. It’s incredible. He wiped out the uncle, he wiped out this one, that one. This guy doesn’t play games, and we can’t play games with him. Because he really does have missiles, and he really does have nukes.”

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Boner Candidate #2: AMERICAN FOOTBALL HAS GONE SOFT

Donald Trump ranted at length today during a Reno campaign stop about how “soft” he believes the game of football has become, pointing to last night’s Steelers-Bengals game as an illustration of how player-safety rules are ruining America. So I’m watching the game yesterday. What used to be considered a great tackle, a violent, head-on, violent. If that was done by Dick Butkus, they’d say he’s the greatest player… if that was done by Lawrence Taylor, it WAS done by Lawrence Taylor and Dick Butkus!…and Ray Nitschke, right? You used to see these tackles, and it was incredible to watch. Now they [effeminate voice] tackle.. head on head collision… fifteen yard penalty. The whole game is all screwed up! Trump brought up sex offender Lawrence Taylor multiple times as a paragon of NFL excellence, and stated he doesn’t watch the NFL as much as he used to because “the referees, they want to throw flags so their wives see them at home.”

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Boner Candidate #3: OH PLEASE SOMEONE STOP SEAN PENN FROM DOING ANYTHING PUBLIC EVER AGAIN

Sean Penn, the bard of our generation, published a 10,000-word opus in Rolling Stone on Saturday that is about as worth reading as “Hurlyburly”was worth seeing. The piece, which begins, in seriousness, with a quote from a 16th century French philosopher, is a rambling jumble 0f platitudes and reeks of the white-hot passion of an enduring and powerful teenage angst. Penn’s subject is Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the drug cartel kingpin who was arrested this week after months on the run. We learn many interesting things about the writer, as well as his subject in this piece. First among them, Penn has a hard time with technology. At 55 years old, I’ve never learned to use a laptop. Do they still make laptops? No fucking idea! One can almost see the frustration of Penn’s editor, who probably lost a little chunk of his soul as he read this: I take no pride in keeping secrets that may be perceived as protecting criminals, nor do I have any gloating arrogance at posing for selfies with unknowing security men. But I’m in my rhythm. Everything I say to everyone must be true. As true as it is compartmentalized.

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