I’ve worked in a lot of offices in my adult life, and if there’s one takeaway from all the fluorescent lit, cubicle trapped, microwaved kimchi years I’ve been working for the “man”, it’s that every office has that guy.
You know what I’m talking about.
Start with a small space, add a bunch of tables (if you’re in one of those new “collaborative workspaces”, a few potted plants and a good mix of introverts and extroverts, and you’ve got a recipe for a breakdown.
In the interest of humanity (or at least, my own sanity), here are five things you should never do at the office…please…
1. Pooping.
Can we talk about pooping at the workplace for a minute? I understand this is a normal and healthy bodily function, but there’s a wonderful thing called being regular. That means you can plan your day around your poop, and avoid the hassle of doing it in the office restroom.
Let’s be honest– nobody wants to smell it, and certainly nobody wants to listen to your grunts as you struggle to pinch that loaf.
2. Eating crunchy things all the time.
Snacks are great. I love a bag of jalapeño Kettle chips now and then, but listening to someone eat crunchy food at their desk is the worst. Seriously. At least eat with your mouth closed.
3. Not putting your phone on silent/vibrate.
You know that employee that is never at their desk, but their phone is always there? 15 notifications later, and you’re ready to take that phone offline with the butt-end of a stapler.
4. Clipping your nails.
Let’s just say that any personal hygiene regimen that can be done at home should be done at home. You may have been running late, but I swear, if I see a rogue fingernail on my desk…
5. Burning the [insert nasty food here] in the microwave.
Oh, you brought salmon for lunch? FANTASTIC.
