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Boner Candidates for September 23, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: YER HOGGIN ALL THE NUTELLA WAFFLES

A Burbank man was charged Tuesday with punching a 78-year-old Costco shopper who confronted him about taking too many Nutella waffles from a sample cart, authorities said. Derrick Gharabighi, 24, was at the warehouse store in Burbank on Sunday when he walked over to the Nutella sample station. As the elderly shopper reached out to grab one, Gharabighi snatched all the Nutella samples, according to the Los Angeles County district attorney’s office. “The victim told Mr. Gharabighi that he wanted a sample and he shouldn’t take so many,” Burbank police Sgt. Claudio Losacco said. That’s when Gharabighi reportedly punched the man in the face. The man was hospitalized with a one-inch cut and swelling above his left eye. Gharabighi, a Burbank resident, was arrested and is being held on $50,000 bail, police said.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’LL CHARGE HER WITH BEING A BONER.

A northern Indiana woman who jumped from her moving car after discovering a spider on her shoulder, leading to a crash that injured her 9-year-old son, likely won’t face charges. Kosciusko County Sheriff’s Department Sgt. Chad Hill says Angela Kipp was backing the car out of her driveway in Syracuse on Friday afternoon when she saw the spider and leaped out while the car was in reverse. Her son in the back seat climbed into the driver’s seat and tried to step on the brake. He instead hit the gas pedal, sending the vehicle into a school bus. He was taken to a hospital with minor head injuries. No children were on the bus. Its driver wasn’t injured. Hill said Monday that Kipp likely won’t be charged.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS SCIENCE STUFF IS OF THE DEVIL

In a speech delivered in 2012, Ben Carson said the big bang theory was part of the “fairy tales” pushed by “high-faluting scientists” as a story of creation. Similarly, Carson, a noted creationist, said he believed the theory of evolution was encouraged by the devil. “Now what about the big bang theory,” said Carson at speech to fellow Seventh-day Adventists titled “Celebration of Creation,” about the theory for the origin of the universe. “I find the big bang, really quite fascinating. I mean, here you have all these high-faluting scientists and they’re saying it was this gigantic explosion and everything came into perfect order. Now these are the same scientists that go around touting the second law of thermodynamics, which is entropy, which says that things move toward a state of disorganization. “So now you’re gonna have this big explosion and everything becomes perfectly organized and when you ask them about it they say, ‘Well we can explain this, based on probability theory because if there’s enough big explosions, over a long period of time, billions and billions of years, one of them will be the perfect explosion,” continued Carson. “So I say what you’re telling me is if I blow a hurricane through a junkyard enough times over billions and billions of years, eventually after one of those hurricanes there will be a 747 fully loaded and ready to fly.”

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