ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: SHE WAS ACCUSED OF IT BECAUSE SHE DID IT
Wickenburg, AZ — Wickenburg has its fair share of crazy stories, and now, people can add another story to the list: A woman accused of stripping naked inside a store. The incident happened on Feb. 17. The woman, identified in court documents as Melissa Dawn Hahn, was at a bar in the area, where she had a couple of glasses of wine. She then headed to a store in the back, and allegedly bared her body. “I’ve been here 16 years and I’ve never had this problem. Ever,” said Karen Jones-Burk, who owns a local business called the Cactus Flower. According to reports, Hahn walked into the Cactus Flower, and starts trying things on in the middle of the store. ”
Boner Candidate #2: I CAN SPOT A COMMIE A MILE AWAY
Utah’s state school board distanced itself Thursday from a member after she attacked a teacher on social media — publicly posting the teacher’s name, the school where she works and accusing her, without offering evidence, of instructing students that “communism is better than our form of government.” Board member Natalie Cline also encouraged her followers to share the information and urged them to “take action” against the middle school English teacher. Several responded by calling on social media for the teacher to be fired for indoctrinating kids and urging the teacher to leave the country. Some also sent the teacher threats via direct messages, according to the Jordan School District, which also said Cline’s allegations about her are not true.
Boner Candidate #3: HE’S NOT A HYPOCRITE…HE’S WORSE
Nero fiddled while Rome burned; Ted Cruz jetted to Cancún. And although the emperor was at least ensconced in a lavish, louche palace, the senator from Texas was stuck in economy class with the peasantry. Cruz’s appeal as a politician, such as it is, has never been about being lovable or relatable, but the latest incident is embarrassing even by his standards. He was spotted on a flight to Mexico yesterday, amid a catastrophic storm that has left Texans without power, heat, and sometimes water, huddled in freezing homes and community centers as the state’s electrical grid verges on collapse. More than a dozen of his constituents have already died. Cruz is headed home today—if not necessarily chastened, at least eager to control the damage. In a statement, he said he took the trip at his daughters’ behest. Blaming your children is a curious tack for an embattled politician, but he doesn’t have much else to work with.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: WE CAME TO GET OUR SHOTS
The coronavirus vaccine is so coveted that two women in Florida went to extremes Wednesday to get inoculated: They dressed as if they were elderly, health officials said. The women, both younger than 45, wore bonnets, gloves and glasses to disguise themselves as older than 65, the age cutoff to be prioritized to get the coronavirus vaccine in Florida, according to Raul Pino, the director of the health department in Orange County, where Orlando is located. He attributed the deception to growing interest in the vaccine, giving the example of the women while explaining how high demand is in the area. “This is the hottest commodity that is out there right now so we have to be very careful,” Pino said at a press briefing Thursday.
Boner Candidate #2: LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
More than 4 million Texans were forced to bear single-digit temperatures without heat or power this week when a polar vortex crippled the state’s energy system. On Feb. 16, Fox News host Tucker Carlson placed the blame for the outage on renewable energy, paying particular attention to frozen windmills. “Unbeknownst to most people, the Green New Deal came to Texas, the power grid in the state became totally reliant on windmills. Then it got cold and the windmills broke, because that’s what happens in the Green New Deal,” said Carlson during his self-titled primetime show.
Boner Candidate #3: HERE’S HOW I HANDLE THE SNOW AND ICE
Midland Park, NJ — If you encounter a particularly rough patch of ice or snow while shoveling this winter, don’t reach for a can of gasoline like a Midland Park man did. Police and firefighters responded to the man’s home where he had set a small fire to try to melt the snow and ice. Once the fire department arrived, they called in the Bergen County Hazmat Unit, who used the Speedy Dry to sop up the gas. The man, whom police would not name, had poured about a half-gallon of gasoline on a gravelly 2-foot by 2-foot square section of his backyard.
