Boners

Boner of the Day for February 3rd, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HE WAS LOOKIN’ AT ME FUNNY.

A garbageman in England has been fired after getting caught on camera going kung fu on a family’s sidewalk snowman. Footage shows the orange-uniformed trash worker delivering a half-dozen kicks — including some Bruce Lee-worthy roundhouses — to the 6-foot snowman, decapitating the construction and ultimately reducing it to half its former stature. The snowman had been built by neighborhood kids in Hereford — a cathedral town near the Welsh border — after a recent blizzard, homeowner Sophie Taylor, 25, told the Herefordtimes.com. Taylor said her 3-year-old son, Joseph, always waves to the trash haulers each week through the window. And then “he goes and does that in front of his face,” she complained of the worker, who was fired by his company. Joseph saw the destruction through the window and was reduced to tears, the mother told the Mirror. “On Tuesday he came running to me in tears sobbing, ‘The binman has broken my snowman’ and he started doing a kicking motion.” Meanwhile, the so-called binman has told the Mirror that he’ll build the kid another snowman, if the family wants, but that he is “not sorry.”

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Boner Candidate #2: NEVER MESS WITH A SWASTIKA ENTHUSIAST.

The unarmed woman who was shot in the back after tearing down a Nazi flag flying in front of the gunman’s Oklahoma home has sued her assailant for negligence, according to court records. In a January 28 District Court petition, Kyndal McVey, 26, accuses Alexander Feaster of acting with “reckless disregard” in connection with the shooting last year outside Feaster’s residence in the town of McVey was at a party across from Feaster’s home last June when she crossed the street around 2:55 AM and grabbed one of the two swastika flags flying outside the residence. As McVey fled with the flag, Feaster–carrying an AR-15 rifle–emerged from his home. Without warning, the 45-year-old Feaster fired at least seven shots at McVey, who was struck several times in the lower abdomen and legs, according to a probable cause affidavit. Police found McVey (seen at right) in a ditch across from Feaster’s property. McVey’s gunshot injuries required multiple surgeries and several weeks of hospitalization. Her lawsuit is seeking in excess of $75,000 in damages for “mental and physical pain and suffering,” medical expenses, lost time, and “change in physical and mental condition.”

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Boner Candidate #3: IM SORRY AND EMBARRASED BY THE FACT THAT I AM A DIED IN THE WOOL RACIST.

Morgan Wallen has apologized after he was heard on tape using the N-word on Sunday. ‘I’m embarrassed and sorry,’ the country music artist, 27, told TMZ Tuesday. ‘I used an unacceptable and inappropriate racial slur that I wish I could take back.’ He continued, ‘There are no excuses to use this type of language, ever. I want to sincerely apologize for using the word. I promise to do better.’ The apology came after Wallen was heard on a recording made by a neighbor and posted on TMZ Tuesday, using the slur as he chat with friends while returning to his Music City home. The Sneedville, Tennessee native’s neighbor recorded the country artist as he came back to his house Sunday with friends, disturbing neighbors with loud noise and car horns. He was heard saying of an acquaintance, ‘Take care of this p**** ass n*****’ and ‘take care of this p**** ass mother******’ as he entered his abode. Wallen made headlines last fall after his Saturday Night Live appearance was canceled after he broke protocols the show had in place amid the COVID-19 pandemic.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THE TOP NOTCH LEGAL TEAM.

Don’t they have spellcheck down at Mar-a-Lago? Ex-President Trump’s legal team embarrassingly misspelled the word “United” — you know, as in United States Senate — on the first page of their impeachment defense brief Tuesday. The newly minted Trump lawyers, who were rushed into service after a previous team quit en masse, addressed their brief to the “Unites States Senate.” Lawyers David Schoen and Bruce Castor have a decent excuse for the typo. They only had a day to throw the brief together after being hired by Trump on Sunday night. The previous legal team and Trump parted ways last weekend amid reported disputes over fees. After the rocky start, Schoen and Castor argued that the Senate should let Trump off the hook because he didn’t really incite the Jan. 6 Capitol riot. Even if he did, they noted that he’s no longer in office, which they claim renders the impeachment process unconstitutional. The brief came hours after House impeachment managers called Trump’s actions to egg on the violent crowd of his supporters a “betrayal of historic proportions.” The Democratic lawmakers brushed aside the idea that Trump should get a free pass because his misdeeds took place during his last days in office saying that would amount to a “January rule” that presidents can do whatever they choose at the end of their term.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT WAS CONSENSUAL.

A judge last week ordered the arrest of Eliodoro Estala, 32, after he failed to appear for a court hearing in his indecent exposure case. A bond posted earlier this year by Estala, a Mexican national, was ordered forfeited by a Travis County jurist. Estala, pictured at right, was arrested in March on the misdemeanor count after an Austin neighbor told cops that she saw him “having sex with a fence” that separates their residences. Estala disrobed when he realized that Diana Vazquez was recording him with her cell phone as he urinated on the fence. As detailed in an arrest affidavit, Estala initially “put his mouth inside the chain link fence and stuck his tongue out moving it up and down.” Vazquez told police said that it seemed Estala “was demonstrating a sexual act of ‘eating out the fence’ (Cunnilingus).” Investigators allege that Estala–who appeared intoxicated–proceeded to then “stick his erected penis into the chain link fence” and “have sex with the fence.” Estala apparently “thought the fence was a female,” said Vazquez, who provided police with photos and video she shot of her naked neighbor.

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Boner Candidate #3: I DON’T WANT ANY DOUBT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM A FLORIDA MAN.

He’s a-head of the curve. A Florida man with a tattoo of the state on his forehead was arrested early Sunday morning after twice calling 911 for a ride home, police said. Matthew Leatham, 22, placed the first call around 4:20 a.m. in the northwest Tampa suburb of Port Richey, according to a criminal complaint. A cop offered to call Leatham a taxi, but he declined because had no money, police said. Then, cops say, he wandered down the road and once again tried to use 911 as a free taxi service. The officer then arrested Leatham, searched him and found a small amount of marijuana, the complaint said. Leatham was charged with two misdemeanors: misuse of 911 and possession of marijuana, according to Pasco County jail records. He was released Monday night after posting $300 bond.

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