Round One
Boner Candidate #1: LOUIS, YOU ARE SUCH A GOHMERT.
East Texas congressman Louie Gohmert suggested that “violence in the streets” may be the only remaining option to block Joe Biden from becoming president, after a federal judge rejected his lawsuit aiming to force Vice President Mike Pence to overturn the election. U.S. District Judge Jeremy Kernodle, an appointee of President Donald Trump from Gohmert’s hometown of Tyler, threw out the lawsuit late Friday, ruling that he and other plaintiffs — including the GOP chairwoman in Arizona and that state’s defeated slate of Republican electors — lack standing. Late Saturday, a federal appeals court upheld the ruling. Late Friday on Newsmax, Gohmert said he had sought redress in court “so that you didn’t have to have riots and violence in the street.” “Bottom line is, the court is saying, ‘We’re not going to touch this, you have no remedy,’” Gohmert said. “Basically, in effect, the ruling would be that you’ve got to go to the streets and be as violent as antifa and BLM.” It’s not the first time Gohmert — a former state trial court judge who just won his ninth term in Congress — has expressed admiration for the use of violence to overturn an election.
Boner Candidate #2: MAN CAN’T EVEN HAVE A LITTLE NEW YEAR’S EVE CELEBRATION.
Brevard County, FL — A Florida man who rode his airboat through the streets of his neighborhood on New Year’s Eve threatened to kill deputies as they were taking him into custody, according to the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office. Deputies said they were called to Mimosa Avenue around 11:30 p.m. Thursday and saw a man, later identified as Joseph Prohaska, 40, riding an airboat on the streets before pulling it into a yard. A public information officer said Prohaska knocked over trash cans and was shooting off fireworks during the incident. As deputies were on scene, they said Prohaska turned the airboat on and started to rev the engine “to cause a disturbance and mock law enforcement.” Prohaska was then placed under arrest but began making threats when deputies also tried to take his father into custody, telling them, “I will kill you if you hurt him,” records show.
Boner Candidate #3: …AND IT’S GONNA BE A REALLY GOOD CAKE.
Port St. Lucie, FL — After police found a scale and bags containing white and brown substances in his backpack, a Florida Man claimed that he was carrying “a bag of sugar and a bag of corn starch to bake a cake,” according to an arrest report. Investigators say that ex-con Jethro Geneus, 30, was a passenger in a Honda that was pulled over by Port St. Lucie cops around 3 AM on New Year’s Eve. Geneus, seen at right, was removed from the car after officers determined that he was the subject of an outstanding arrest warrant. A subsequent search of a backpack that was at Geneus’s feet on the front floorboard revealed “two large bags of a white and brown substance,” cops report. Geneus, who reportedly claimed ownership of the backpack, said that the seized substances were actually ingredients for a cake to be baked. However, a field test revealed that both substances–which weighed a combined two-thirds of a pound–contained Ecstasy. In addition to a narcotics trafficking count, Geneus was charged with introducing contraband into a detention facility after he allegedly dropped a bag of meth while in custody at the county jail.
Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: IT JUST AIN’T THE NEW YEAR WITHOUT BUSHMEAT.
Newark, NJ — Here’s some bad news if you were planning to celebrate the new year by dining on a hodgepodge of “bushmeat.” U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey seized nearly nine pounds of bushmeat, the agency announced Tuesday. Bushmeat is “raw or minimally processed meat” from parts of animals, including bats, monkeys, cane rats and antelope, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It is usually either smoked, dried or salted. The meat, which comes from parts of Africa, is illegal to bring into the U.S. because it can spread diseases, according to the CDC. A U.S. citizen brought the bushmeat on a flight from Ghana, customs officials said. The passenger declared the meat to a CBP agriculture specialist, who determined it was illegal bushmeat. Officials then seized and destroyed the meat. An animal disease outbreak associated with foods like bushmeat could affect public health, the economy and the food supply, according to CBP. Even Ebola, which isn’t usually spread by food, has been associated with bushmeat hunting, butchering and processing, per the CDC.
Boner Candidate #2: MILEY, YOU SHOULD RESIST THE URGE TO SHARE THINGS ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
Miley Cyrus likes to put her sex toys out on display. In a recent interview with Sirius XM radio’s Barstool Sports show, the Plastic Hearts singer revealed that her home is decorated with various sex toys as sculptures. “I like sex toys,” she declared. “I buy them for myself, but I end up using them for interior design. Sex and interior design go actually hand-in-hand.” Back in August, she explained on the Call Her Daddy podcast that she likes the way her plethora of vibrators look as home decor. “Most of my sex toys I use as interior design — I do like sex toys as interior design. I’ll buy a dildo, and [for] more than … its operation — I don’t really wanna get in there with it because I love the way it looks on my table,” she explained. “I’m really into dildos for interior design. I buy them for myself, but I end up using them for interior design. I like vibrators, but I mostly like aesthetic.” “I like d–ks as an aesthetic. Girls are way hotter. We know this. Everyone I think can agree that d–ks make wonderful sculptures. But more than that, I am not as interested. I like d–ks as art pieces. I love the shape,” she added.
Boner Candidate #3: I BEEN EATIN’ SNAILS.
DARWIN, Australia – Two mates have stumbled across a naked fugitive living off snails and hiding in croc-infested mangroves during a fishing trip near Darwin. Cam Faust and Kevin Joiner were in a tinny laying crab traps in East Point, about 18 kilometers north of Darwin, when they heard someone calling for help from in the mangroves on Sunday afternoon. “We heard this faint like ‘ahhh, ahhhh’ — (I said) to me mate ‘is that guy saying help?’ so we got a bit closer and said ‘I can see you’,” Mr Faust told 9News. To their surprise, when the pair got closer, what they found was a naked man clinging to branches, filthy and covered in bug bites. “I’ve been eating snail,” Luke Voskresensky told the approaching duo, saying he was stuck after getting lost on his way to a New Year’s Eve party days earlier. “We thought he was having us on, taking the piss, and then we went closer and realized the severity,” Mr Faust said. “Completely naked, cuts all over him, swollen feet, covered in mud.” The friends said the 40-year-old really wanted to “get out of there” and was happy to get in the boat where he was welcomed with a cold beer. They agreed Mr Faust would gift the stark naked man his shorts as he was in a better position to do so. “I wasn’t wearing any undies so I couldn’t give him mine,” Mr Joiner laughed.
