ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1:I DON’T THINK THAT’S ART.
If you’re struggling to pass the time in this difficult period, this specially-printed toilet paper that lets you use poop as paint to make art may be just what the doctor ordered. PooPaint is a new type of toilet paper designed to make potty training fun and entertaining by allowing you to paint with poop when wiping your child’s bottom. Featuring a variety of printed images with dotted line sections that you are supposed to fill in with the leftover poop on a toddler’s bottom, PooPaint guarantees some truly special and smelly quality time with your child. It’s like a coloring book, only instead of crayons, you’re using poop. Of course, no one is stopping you from using PooPaint when wiping your own behind… It’s going to be harder to aim the strip of toilet paper and wipe accurately to fill in the blank spaces, since you don’t have a clear view of the “target”, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in no time.
Boner Candidate #2:OPEN UP THE COUNTY; GRAMPS IS READY TO DIE.
Despite a spike in cases — particularly with an outbreak at a Hyrum meatpacking plant — and rising worries about hospital capacity, the Cache County Council has voted to ask the state to move northern Utah to the “green” or normal risk phase for the coronavirus. Councilwoman Gina Worthen said the restrictions are harming restaurants and businesses — and believes they’re not helping people. “This is for a virus that has a 1% death rate. I can’t help but think, ‘What are we doing?’” she said during the Tuesday night meeting. “People can be responsible for their own health. That’s what America is all about.” Worthen said people die at higher rates in car crashes and from cancer than the coronavirus, insisting there’s “no clear and present danger” in Cache County or its biggest city, Logan. “Those aren’t fair comparisons,” Councilman Jon White countered, noting the virus has infected people over the past several months instead of over a lifetime.
Still, White was outvoted 6-1, with Councilman Gordon Zilles stating that he’s in the older, more vulnerable population, and is tired of feeling “locked up.”
Boner Candidate #3:GOOD APPETITE BAD MORALS AT BON APPETIT.
Adam Rapoport, the long-time editor in chief of Bon Appétit magazine, resigned on Monday hours after a photograph showing him in brownface surfaced online. The image in question was originally posted on Instagram by Rapoport’s wife Simone Shubuck in 2013, and shows the couple dressed up as derogatory Puerto Rican stereotypes at an apparent Halloween costume party in 2004. ‘Me and my papi,’ Shubuck had captioned the image, followed by the hashtag ‘boricua’, a term often used by Puerto Ricans to identify themselves. The photo prompted widespread backlash and led to dozens of current and former Bon Appétit staffers calling for Rapoport to step down. In a statement posted to his Instagram page on Monday evening, Rapoport confirmed he would indeed resign from his post, saying he will now take time to ‘reflect on the work that I need to do as a human being and to allow Bon Appétit to get to a better place’.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1:
I DON’T THINK THEM PEOPLE WASH THEIR HANDS.
A Republican lawmaker has asked if ‘the colored population’ has a higher fatality rate from coronavirus because they ‘do not wash their hands as well as other groups’. GOP State Senator Steve Huffman from Tipp City, north of Dayton, used the term which is considered a racial slur while asking about possible reasons for the alarming trend during a Senate Health Committee meeting yesterday. ‘My point is I understand African Americans have a higher incidence of chronic conditions and it makes them more susceptible to death from COVID,’ said Huffman, who is trained as an emergency room physician. ‘But why it doesn’t make them more susceptible to just get COVID. Could it just be that African Americans or the colored population do not wash their hands as well as other groups or wear a mask or do not socially distance themselves? ‘That could be the explanation of the higher incidence?’ Recent data has revealed the coronavirus is disproportionately killing African Americans, with around 58 per cent of all virus-related deaths taking place in black communities.
Boner Candidate #2:
I GUESS IT’S THE WHITE THING TO DO
Greg Glassman, the founder and chief executive of CrossFit, announced on Tuesday evening he would step down from his role. The resignation comes after days of turmoil for the company. Last week, Mr. Glassman posted a tweet that made light of both the coronavirus pandemic and the killing of George Floyd in police custody, and last weekend spoke belligerently to CrossFit gym owners about race and racism in a remarkable Zoom call that was leaked to reporters. “We’re not mourning for George Floyd, I don’t think me or any of my staff are,” said Mr. Glassman on the Zoom call, according to a recording of the call provided to The New York Times. “Can you tell me why I should mourn for him?” he said. “Other than it’s the ‘white’ thing to do. I get that pressure but give me another reason.” He will be replaced by Dave Castro, a longtime CrossFit executive. “I created a rift in the CrossFit community and unintentionally hurt many of its members,” Mr. Glassman said in a statement on Tuesday. He maintains his ownership stake.
Boner Candidate #3:BUT I AM A BELGIAN PRINCE!
Spain has fined Belgium’s Prince Joachim for breaking quarantine rules last month. The 28-year-old prince, who is tenth in line to the Belgian throne, traveled to southern Spain on May 24 for an internship. He then contracted the new coronavirus after attending a party there just a few days later. He’s now been penalized for failing to quarantine himself for 14 days on arrival, a requirement for anyone entering the country. He admitted breaching the rules and has 15 days to respond to the fine of 10,400 euros – that’s almost 12,000 dollars. Spanish authorities are now investigating the party – held in the city of Cordoba – which a local newspaper reported was attended by 27 people. Lockdown rules in the city capped gatherings at a maximum of 15 people.
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