Round One
Boner Candidate #1: WELL, THE GOVERNMENT NOW HAS AT LEAST 140 CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF.
Chile’s public health system began distributing a free contraceptive last year. The contraceptive wasn’t nearly as effective as it was made out to be.
Boner Candidate #2: I AM SORRY ABOUT THE KIDS IN CAGES THING.
Jeff Sessions, the former attorney general, apologized recently by calling the family separation of immigrants “unfortunate.”
Boner Candidate #3: BEND OVER FOREIGNERS
Anyone entering China will be subject to a mandatory anal swab for Covid-19. The Chinese government that this is due to the accuracy of the tests compared to normal throat swabs.
Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: COLLEGE CAMPUS STUDENT SAFETY IS NOT… SHOULD NOT BE… A POLITICAL ISSUE.
A bill passed through the senate meant to improve the safety of campus security was gutted of it’s most important feature, a commission of students meant to keep the campus security in check.
Boner Candidate #2: MORE ZOOM PORN
Even in 2021, people are still Zoom-bombing students with pornographic videos. This time the victim was a Florida high-school.
Boner Candidate #3: THE ONLY PROBLEM? WE RAN OUT OF BEER.
Two friends require rescue from the coast guard after their intoxicated mattress adventure floats out into the sea.
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