Round One
Boner Candidate #1: HEY, WHERE DID MY BAG OF SNAKES GO?
SAN JOSE, Calif. – Call it serpent surprise. Or a snake mistake. A California reptile lover says thieves who made off with his duffel bag probably thought they were taking swag. But it was full of snakes. Brian Gundy, who breeds and sells reptiles through his business, For Goodness Snakes, had given a presentation at Martin Luther King Library in downtown San Jose on Saturday and left his gear in a parking garage to retrieve his car. When he returned, he found a duffel bag containing three pythons and a lizard was gone. Gundy tells KRON-TV two snakes were later found in a dumpster but he’s worried about the safety of the other reptiles. He’s filed a police report and hopes garage surveillance video and help from the public will help catch the thieves. Read More
Boner Candidate #2: I WAS LATE FOR CLASS….REALLY LATE.
Late for class? You should probably pump the brakes. At least, that’s the message Illinois State Police sent with a Facebook post Monday. ISP shared photos of a car pulled to the side of the road and the corresponding traffic ticket written in the incident – showing a woman they said clocked 135 mph. Her excuse? She was “late for class.” Police did not say where the traffic stop took place, only sharing that the woman was 21 years old and that the radar hit 116 mph even before she sped up. The post also included a dire warning to all drivers. “Folks, this is who you’re sharing the roads with,” ISP wrote. “This is why we want you to stay focused. This is why we want you to drive the speed limit to better prepare you to stop in time in case this lady gets a flat tire and comes barreling across the interstate lanes at you.” Read More
Boner Candidate #3: HOLD THE MAYO
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (KATV) – Two people were arrested Sunday on drug charges in Hot Springs. According to a police report, a Hot Springs police officer was patrolling the 100 block of E. Grand Avenue around 6:30 a.m. when he saw a car pull out of a parking lot without headlights. He pulled the car over near the intersection of South Border Street. According to a probable cause affidavit, the officer could smell marijuana. He said that the driver, 29-year-old Elizabeth Marie Catlett of Hot Springs was “moving about the vehicle in a quick, nervous manner.” She told the officer there were no drugs in the vehicle. Her brother, 33-year-old Don Russell Furr of Lonsdale, was in the passenger seat. Another officer arrived, and Catlett was checked for weapons or illegal items.
In Catlett’s front pocket, police found a small plastic-wrapped bag that had small scraps of paper, a straw cut into a smaller length, and several plastic bags. She told police that the bag was not hers and that someone else had put it in there. Inside the scraps of paper and on the straws, police found the residue of what appeared to be methamphetamine. Read More
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: HE SHOT HER WITH A PEE PISTOL
The elderly Florida kook who used a water pistol filled with his own urine to squirt a female neighbor in the face has been convicted of battery, but will only serve a month in jail for the vile attack, records show. Joel Benjamin, 71, entered a no contest plea to the misdemeanor charge during an appearance last Thursday in Circuit Court. He was sentenced to 30 days in jail and a one-year probation term that will commence upon his release next month from the Pinellas County lockup. Seen at right, Benjamin was also fined about $1000 and ordered to have no contact with the 50-year-old victim, who was attacked in mid-April while walking her dog one evening outside the Gulfport housing complex where both she and Benjamin reside. As detailed in a criminal complaint, Benjamin approached the woman and “pulled out a water gun that contained his own urine” and squirted her “several times.” Read More
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT? THEY WERE ON SALE.
So if my friends were in a place where they didn’t have access to Hot Cheetos in their lives, you freakin’ bet I’m going to bring them as many as I can whenever I see them. Because a life without these fiery chips is truly a tragic one, and no one should ever have to undergo that type of withdrawal. That’s why I want to give hella props to Emily Mei, who was stopped by airport security for suspiciously carrying more than 10 bags of the spicy cheese chip in her carry-on bag for her friends in Korea. Emily posted a video on Twitter earlier this week recalling the time her bag had to be checked by a TSA agent because of the absurd amount of chips she had in her luggage. “Will never forget the day TSA stopped me cuz they thought I was hiding shit inside my bag cuz all I had was like 20 bags of Hot Cheetos ,” she captioned the tweet. LOL you guys, when she said she had “like 20” bags stuffed in her bag…she was not exaggerating at all. In the video, you can see the airport security worker literally pulling each Hot Cheeto bag from her Louis Vuitton tote with their gloved-protected hands, and rubbing them with a wipe of some sort. All the poor girl was doing was trying to be the Cheeto supplier for her friends in Korea, who apparently have a hard time finding the chip in stores near them. Read More
Boner Candidate #3: WE CALL HIM COACH KLEPTO.
GALLUP, N.M. (KRQE) – The man trusted to run a Gallup-area high school’s football program is accused of stealing from his own players. John Roanhaus is facing a burglary and a larceny charge, accused of stealing $40 from the wallet of a Miyamura High School football player. KRQE News 13 has learned that the coach is now out of a job at the school. New Mexico State Police say Roanhaus was arrested Saturday, just three days after the alleged crime occurred. According to an arrest warrant, Roanhaus was caught on camera inside the high school boys’ locker room taking two $20 bills out of a student’s wallet. State Police say the student had set up a camera inside of a locker, hoping to “surveillance the locker, to catch the perpetrator stealing money from the students.” New Mexico State Police say the video captured by the student victim clearly shows Roanhaus entering the male locker room at Miyamura High School, searching a black wallet, taking cash out of the wallet, inserting the cash into a sock, then walking out of the locker room. Read More
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