ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: HE KNEW THEY WOULDN’T BE HOME
SAN DIEGO — A San Diego County mortuary driver is accused of burglarizing a man’s home hours after the man died, authorities said Tuesday. Sammy Williecarl Gates, 49, has pleaded not guilty in Superior Court to burglary in the alleged Aug. 31 theft, in which a surveillance camera caught a man wheeling a gurney with an empty body bag into a Spring Valley home, then wheeling it out with the body bag full of stolen goods, according to a sheriff’s sergeant. Gates, who owns and operates an independent mortuary transport company, could not be reached for comment Tuesday. His defense attorney, Richard Katzman, said the case is still in the early stages and declined further comment.
Boner Candidate #2: WE ENDED THE PANDEMIC. THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S OVER.
The White House science office listed “ending the COVID-19 pandemic” as the top accomplishment of President Trump’s first term, even as the U.S. has set records for new daily infections and numerous hospitals across the country are stretched to their breaking points. According to a press release intending to highlight the administration’s science accomplishments, the Trump administration said it “has taken decisive actions to engage scientists and health professionals in academia, industry, and government to understand, treat, and defeat the disease.”
Boner Candidate #3: I’M COLD. WHERE’S MY CAR? I HEARD A WOLF.
Backers of President Donald Trump were left stranded overnight, with several taken to hospital for hypothermia after an Omaha campaign rally ended in chaos. Hundreds were bussed in to the Eppley Airfield site, leaving their cars in parking lots, but were left wandering up to four miles in the cold after coaches failed to pick them up. “President Trump took off in Air Force One 1 hr 20 minutes ago, but thousands of his supporters remain stranded on a dark road outside the rally,” CNN reporter Jeff Zeleny tweeted at 10:21 p.m. CDT.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: YOUR HONOR, THE STATE, ME, IS DROPPING ALL CHARGES AGAINST THE DEFENDANT, ME.
Littleton, NH — A New Hampshire woman is accused of impersonating a prosecutor and falsifying documents to declare charges against her had been dropped, according to The New Hampshire Union Leader. An indictment obtained by the newspaper alleges Lisa Landon, 33, submitted fake documents to court officials in three cases last year in an attempt to declare her drug possession and stalking case charges had been dropped. According to the paper, Landon used the state’s electronic filing system to falsify the documents.
Boner Candidate #2: GLASS OF WATER? THREE BUCKS
Donald Trump’s Florida resort billed taxpayers $3 for a glass of water and $6,000 for flowers when world leaders visited, according to new invoices obtained by the Washington Post. Having campaigned on a promise to ‘drain the swamp’ and end the crony culture of enrichment, the president, once in office, profited enormously. Limits on per-night room rates were ignored, bar tabs were racked up, and residences were rented even when the president was not around.
Boner Candidate #3: GIVE THE MONEY BACK BURGESS
Burgess Owens, the GOP nominee in Utah’s 4th Congressional District, appears to be at the center of a campaign finance controversy with a week to go until Election Day. The New York Times reported Tuesday that Owens’ campaign accepted more than $135,000 in illegal campaign contributions, which is approximately 40% of the money he has available for the stretch run to the election. A review of Owens’ campaign finance filing confirms multiple donations over the legal limit stretching as far back as July 1 of this year. Among the prominent Utahns who have donated more than the legal limit include Greg Miller and Susan Bramble, spouse of a well-known state lawmaker.
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