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Boner Preview Candidates for January 11 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: AMERICAN FOOTBALL HAS GONE SOFT

Donald Trump ranted at length today during a Reno campaign stop about how “soft” he believes the game of football has become, pointing to last night’s Steelers-Bengals game as an illustration of how player-safety rules are ruining America.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: TRUMP ADMIRES THE WAY KIM JONG UN RUNS HIS COUNTRY

Donald Trump, a man who could be called equally as fascist as many a dictator who came before him, has a new hero—or, rather, a new supreme leader.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: OH PLEASE SOMEONE STOP SEAN PENN FROM DOING ANYTHING PUBLIC EVER AGAIN

Sean Penn, the bard of our generation, published a 10,000-word opus inRolling Stone on Saturday that is about as worth reading as “Hurlyburly”was worth seeing.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: THE MILITIAMEN NEED TAMPONS

The Oregon militiamen are still holding out in their lawless corner of the wilderness, and they’ve released new demands.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: THE MEDIAL MAKES TOO MUCH OF MY RACISM AND STUPIDITY

The furor over Gov. Paul LePage’s comment about “young white” girls being impregnated by out-of-state drug dealers is last week’s news. This week could bring an impeachment order calling for an investigation into the Republican’ alleged abuse of power.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: BURN EM OUT

A man accidentally set himself and his Detroit apartment on fire while trying to kill bedbugs, according to reports.

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