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Over-Caffeinated Hipster Reviews "Jurassic World"

Hipster man with mobile phone at cafe

X96 sent our resident hipster to see and review “Jurassic World.” Before he went, he stopped by Salt Lake Coffee break for a few triple shots.

I was 6 when the first Jurassic Park came out and never saw it. I have a shirt with a dinosaur on it that says “Philosoraptor” on it. This girl named Staci gave it to me at the farmer’s market. She silk-screened it herself and said she liked my frames. Anyway, I ran into her at Coffee Break before the movie and we talked about this “If Flappers Wore Togas” party coming up this weekend at some warehouse off of 6th West. Neither us know what we are going to wear, but we agreed it would be fabulous.

After a few cups and a gluten-free biscotti and four espressos we decided to start making our way to the movie theater. Staci wasn’t going to go to the movie with me, but was planning on stopping off at her ex-boyfriend’s who lives Kilby Court and that’s kind of on the way. Before heading that way we stopped at Sushi Burrito. Neither of us ordered anything. We just took a selife and checked in, because, ya know, making people all jelly. Staci said she needed to get going so she called and Uber and was on her way as I started walking back to snatch my second-hand fixie from Coffee Break.

Hipster couple taking selfie at cafe

When I got there my bike wasn’t where I locked it up. Then I remember I let my roommate use it and I took Trax tonight. I was calm until I was realized the movie started 15 minutes ago. I was thinking about running, but these new APC’s are so stiff it would have done no one any good. Luckily, I caught a ride with James and Michelle and Michelle’s very hot friend, Rummi. Rummi makes animal sculptures out of old animal sculptures, which is pure genius. I hope I run into her at Kilby next week at Open Smoke Night. We stopped at Cheers to You for some drinks and talked about how we would attempt at running into each other and go from there then talked about taking a hike somewhere in Happy Valley at a later date.

By the time I got to the movie people were getting eaten by these huge dinosaurs and then some helicopters picked up some people with those dinosaur birds flying around. I don’t really know. I was too busy writing this review to get the gist of it. If I write a few more of these Pitchfork might pick me up as an intern in the fall.

X96 is not responsible for spoilers from our freelance reviewers.


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