WINNER!
Boner Candidates #1: THE OLYMPIC MOVEMENT WILL FORCE UTAH TO HAVE A PROFANE OPENING CEREMONY. THAT’S THE WAY THE OLYMPICS WORKS
Viewers in Utah are terrified of their Olympics resembling and opening ceremony similar to the on happening this year in Paris. “We imagined the ceremony to show our values and our principals. We promised a magnificent ceremony, spectacular, but also strong messages. The idea was really to trigger a reflection. We wanted to have a message as strong as possible,” Paris President Tony Estanguet told reporters. “Are these the concessions we’re going to have to make here in Utah? So far, I’ve seen a mockery of the last supper with transgender theatrics, the dancing and parading of radical gender ideology,” someone posted Friday on the social medial platform X, formerly known as Twitter, while tagging Gov. Spencer Cox. “I can’t wait,” Cox wrote, “for the opening ceremonies in 2034 (like 2002) to showcase Utah values and our commitment to building family and community.”
Boner Candidate #2: ANOTHER BIT OF PROOF THAT SEN. MIKE LEE IS A BOOB
Mike Lee shared a fake letter on X, formally known as Twitter, stating that former President Jimmy Carter has died. “Former President Jimmy Carter has died. My thoughts and prayers are with his family,” Mike Lee wrote on post that was since quickly deleted. The letter was convincing until the fourth paragraph stated Nancy Reagan as the ‘throat goat’. The last paragraph read, “Despite these successes as President, all his life President Carter considered his marriage to former First Lady Rosalynn Carter his life’s greatest achievement. At her passing last November President Carter said, ‘Rosalynn was a baddie. Jill, Melania, even throat goat Nancy Reagan had nothing on Rosalynn. She was the original Brat. She gave me wise guidance and encouragement when I needed it. As long as Rosalynn was in the world, I always knew somebody loved and supported me.’ They were married for 77 years.”
Boner Candidate #3: TREE KILLERS ON NORTH TEMPLE
In May there was a stretch of large honey locust trees that appeared sickly around that Utah State Fairpark area. Michelle Watts, who is also a part of the Fairpark Community Council said, “I had noticed that a bunch of trees along the Utah State Fairgrounds on the North Temple side looked pretty mangled. This just looks pretty grim.” Michelle then learned after someone checked on the strip of trees, that a Parks Division maintenance worker had mistakenly applied an herbicide that’s inappropriate for use on many trees and shrubs.
