Boner Candidate #1: OUR CHOCOLATE IS NOT EXPERTLY CRAFTED AND WE DON’T USE THE FINEST INGREDIENTS
Lindt chocolate has come out to say, its gourmet goodies are not “expertly crafted with the finest ingredients,” despite what their packaging may say. Since 2023 Lindt has found themselves to be under litigation, after an overwhelming amount of lead was discovered in 2023. A biohacker named Brian Johnson stated, “Not knowing is very dangerous … This is why it’s so important to know what you’re eating and to have quantified data on the cleanliness and on the positive benefits.” Consumers have been paying more for lead in their chocolate thanks to proper marketing.
Boner Candidate #2: OPERATION BEAR CLAW
A group of citizens have been placed under arrest for committing insurance fraud, as well as conspiracy. Investigators began looking into the case when one of the insurance companies suspected fraud. Multiple claims came from the exact same location, and with the same situation of having a bear attack inside of a car. Each claim had video ‘evidence’ of a car being attacked by a bear, but “upon further scrutiny of the video, the investigation determined the bear was actually a person in a bear costume,” California Department of Insurance stated. To make sure the investigation was bulletproof, investigators reached out to a biologist from the California Department of Fish and Wildlife, who also stated that it was “clearly a human in a bear suit.”
WINNER!
Boner Candidate #3: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE AND LAUREN WILL FIND IT
Kyle Clark of 9News has been covering Lauren Boebert’s headline, and Wednesday night was no exception. Kyle commented, “Congresswoman Lauren Boebert won her new safely Republican seat by only half the margin of her Republican predecessors. But she is already back hard at work in Congress, laser-focused on the issue that Coloradans sent her there to address: underwater space aliens.” Boebert said, quote, “The American people are being kept in the dark. There are rumors that have come up to the hill of a secretive project within the Department of Defense involving the manipulation of human genetics with what is described as non-human genetic material, potentially for the enhancement of human capabilities, hybrids. Are any of you familiar with that, yes or no?” Once she was told ‘no’ by every expert there then she asked another question, “And so are there any accounts of UAP emerging from or submerging into our water which could indicate a base or presence beneath the ocean’s surface?”
