Boner Candidate #1: I TOLD HIM HE WAS TAKING TOO MUCH CHEESE
A gas station customer was beaten with a bat after the worker of the gas station warned him he was taking too much nacho cheese. After police found the customer bleeding from the head, nose, and ears they charged Myron Bullie with attempted murder. When talking to police Bullie said, “Don’t talk [expletive] to me…Now everyone gonna see this and they’re gonna know never to talk [expletive] to me.” The police report states that Bullie attacked the customer because he was taking too much nacho cheese.
Boner Candidate #2: YOUR SHOES ARE THE WRONG SHOES. YOU MUST BE LOCKED UP
An angry parent states that a group of school girls were locked in a classroom for hours on the first day of classes because they were wearing the wrong shoes. Charlotte Byers, 39, claims her daughter, 13, was forced to miss lessons because her shoes didn’t fit dress code. Charlotte said, “School, who have no funding apparently, went out and bought a load of shoes. They made the girls wear shoes that were either too small or uncomfortable. Those that wouldn’t wear a pair of shoes because they didn’t fit, were then punished and locked in a room for four hours with no toilet break and no food or drink.” A Outwood Academy Danum spokesperson stated, “We ask that all students wear their uniform as outlined by the uniform policy, and wear it with pride. The policy has not changed in any way and has been available to all parents and careers to consult over the summer, with an additional reminder of the policy being sent to all parents and careers in July.”
!!!WINNER!!!
Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
The city of Springfield, Ohio has now closed city hall due to bomb threats. The city said in a statement, “City of Springfield received a bomb threat that has prompted an immediate response from local and regional law enforcement. As a precautionary measure, the building has been evacuated, and authorities are currently conducting a thorough investigation. Our primary concern is the safety and well-being of our employees and residents. We are working to address this situation as swiftly as possible.” This comes after former President Trump claimed Haitians were stealing and eating animals in the city of Springfield. “A lot of towns don’t want to talk about it because they’re so embarrassed by it. In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs. The people that came in, they’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there, and this is what’s happening in our country, and it’s a shame.” Springfield City Manager Bryan Heck had to say in response, “It is disappointing that some of the narrative surrounding our city has been skewed by misinformation circulated on social media and further amplified by political rhetoric in a current highly charged presidential election cycle.”
