Life

Boner Candidates January 13th, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: AN ADULT WILL HAVE TO INSPECT YOUR GENITALS

It may be a New Year, but the same old battle over bathrooms is starting all over again. A Republican lawmaker in Virginia is so concerned over which bathrooms transgender people use, including children at school, that he is proposing a law that would fine them $50 each time they enter a restroom that doesn’t match their “anatomical sex.” House Bill 663, proposed by Delegate Mark Cole of the state’s House of Representatives, defines anatomical sex as “the physical condition of being male or female, which is determined by a person’s anatomy.” It would require all restrooms on property owned or leased by the state “solely be used by individuals whose anatomical sex matches such gender designation.” It would also require that school districts in the state enforce similar restrictions on restrooms, locker rooms and showers. The fine of $50 could be written by “any law-enforcement officer.”

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Boner Candidate #2: I’M QUITE SURE SALAD SHOULDN’T HAVE HAIR AND EYES

What’s worse than finding a weasel in your Asda salad? Answer: finding half a weasel. A nurse found a two-inch lump of baby weasel in her salad – with a leg, a foot and an eye poking out. Rifat Asghar, 42, immediately vomited – but claims she was offered just £5 in compensation, although the store has since offered her £100. ‘It completely changed the way I shop now and I can’t buy any prepared food any more. I’m having to make it all myself. It was so traumatising.” Rifat was eating lunch with colleagues when she poured some of the 330g Crisp Carrot & Sweetcorn Salad onto her plate. A colleague spotted the animal. “He said, ‘I’m sure salad isn’t supposed to have fur and eyes’,” said Rifat.

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Boner Candidate #3: SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE JUST NOT THAT BRIGHT.

Rep. Tim Murphy (R-Pa.) issued a scathing statement Tuesday night in response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address — two hours before the president gave his speech. Murphy’s press shop emailed a statement just after 7 p.m. with the subject line, “Congressman Murphy Responds to 2016 State of the Union Address.” In it, the Republican lawmaker said Obama’s speech — slated to begin at 9 p.m. — sounded different from past speeches. “Another year, another State of the Union address by the President, but tonight stands out in stark contrast to years past,” Murphy said. The congressman said he’s disappointed the president didn’t address the news of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard capturing U.S. Navy vessels earlier Tuesday, something he said the White House told him wouldn’t come up in the speech. He went on to criticize Obama’s overall foreign policy. “The President’s foreign policy of appeasement first, then ‘strategic patience,’ followed promptly by ‘leading from behind’ has been an utter failure,” said Murphy. “We must demonstrate strength and take strong action when necessary to fully stop terrorism.”

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