ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: AND HE IS JUST ONE OF MANY
A man is facing $52,000 in fines after he attacked flight attendants, refused to comply with instructions and had to be handcuffed to his seat.
Boner Candidate #2: THE WIFE BOUGHT THE WRONG BRAND
A man tried to return 14 cases of stolen beer. He claimed that his wife bought the wrong brand, and when he grew frustrated with the employees, he left with all 14 cases.
Boner Candidate #3: YOUR HONOR, WE WERE SCHEDULED TO TAKE A FAMILY ROAD TRIP TO NORTH CAROLINA FOR A KLAN RALLY
Two rioters who participated in the January 6th insurrection have received permission for a family road trip to North Carolina. They left on the 15th, and are planned to return to trial on the 22nd of May.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: WHAT? HE’S A BAD GUY?
A man is being held in custody for connections with theft, and owning thieves’ tools. His forehead features the word ‘F*ck’ for everyone to see. The tattoo has reportedly existed there for 17 years.
Boner Candidate #2: MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORTIFIED ABOUT BEING ON ONLY FANS IN THE FIRST PLACE
A TikTok star reveals that her former high school teacher is subscribed to her Only-Fans. The star is understandably disgusted.
Boner Candidate #3: FINALLY, SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO GET UPSET ABOUT
A stainless steel statue of Marylin Monroe, depicting her infamous wind-blown skirt scene in ‘The Seven Year Itch’ is getting censored after a community petition.
