ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: WANNA BUY A JAR OF HAIR?
A jar of hair roughly the size of a baseball sold for $72,500 in an auction because it contained Elvis Presley’s hair.
Boner Candidate #2: OUR PATRONIZIN LEGISLATURE NEEDS TO HAVE A WORD WITH DONOVAN
After Utah’s resolution to fix ‘critical race theory,’ Donovann Mitchell criticized the decision. Senate President Stuart Adams addressed this by saying that “We’ve got work to do to try to educate them” in reference to people protesting against the decision.
Boner Candidate #3: DESANTIS WANTS TO KNOW HOW MASKS GOT SO POLITICIZED.
After politicizing masks, which only lengthened and strengthened the pandemic, Ron DeSantis says he doesn’t know how masks every got to be so political.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN; YOU KNOW… IT WAS A JOKE.
Two middle school students who joked about ‘shooting up the school’ in Park City are being investigated. The two students don’t have any weapons available to them.
Boner Candidate #2: THE LIZARD THIEF.
A man in Idaho has been arrested after allegedly steal lizards from pet stores by hiding them in his pockets when no one was looking.
Boner Candidate #3: DONALD TRUMP…CIVIL WAR HISTORIAN.
While the statue of Robert E. Lee was being taken down, Donald Trump released a statement calling him “the greatest strategist of them all,” who could have single handily won the civil war “except for Gettysburg.”
