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Boner Candidates for August 31, 2015

Boner Candidate #1:  WAIT. DID YOU HANG UP THE PHONE?

A reporter in Colorado was treated to a delightful voicemail this week from a sheriff’s deputy, who has thoughts on her breasts, face, body, and accent. The one thing he lacks — the only thing, really — is a basic understanding about how to hang up his phone so he doesn’t leave accidental messages. And now here we all are, together, having a learning experience. Chase Olivarius-McAllister is a reporter with The Durango Herald, a daily newspaper in Colorado. She is British and American and grew up in London. The relevance of that factoid will become evident in a moment here. Olivarius-McAllister tells Jezebel that she called the La Plata County Sheriff’s Office a few weekends ago to get some routine crime statistics. Deputy Sergeant Zach Farnam called her back, leaving her a voicemail that includes about ten seconds of actual message meant for her ears. That was followed by ten seconds or so of highly embarrassing baby talk with a dog in the office, and then, well, it gets worse.

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Boner Candidate #2: COME ON SCOTT, THOSE CANADIANS WILL JUST BUILD BIGGER LADDERS.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R), a staunch advocate of beefing up security on the southern border, said Sunday he is open to building a wall on the U.S. border with Canada as well. The Republican presidential candidate said the idea of building a northern wall was brought up to him during a recent town hall in New Hampshire. “That is a legitimate issue for us to look at,” Walker said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press. Republicans typically take a tough approach on securing the southern border, but few have said a wall should also be built along the U.S.-Canada border. Walker reasoned that it’s about much more than building a wall, arguing, “It starts with securing the homeland.” “It wasn’t just about building a wall and securing our borders,” he said. “It was also about making sure our intelligence community has the ability for counterterrorism and the ability to go after the infrastructure they need to protect us.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I WAS ON MY WAY HOME TO TAKE A BATH WHEN THIS HAPPENED.

A man was jailed by police who thought they found crystal meth in his car. He was imprisoned for four months while the ‘meth’ was subjected to forensic tests. It wasn’t methylamphetamine, it was salt. Epsom salt, to be exact. Charges were dropped and the man, from Queensland, Australia, was freed. His lawyer, Travis George claims the lengthy detention period was probably due to his client’s previous convictions. Queensland’s Health, Forensic and Scientific Services have faced a backlash after alleged delays in the return of forensic tests – which are often vital to trials. John Smith, a magistrate from Maryborough in Queensland, said: ‘For the last 14 years nothing has been done [about delays]. Once again the government needs to have a look at what they are doing in relation to this.’

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