Can You Hear Me Getting Fatter Yet?


Well, pizza was one thing. I could sit on my microfiber couch, wrapped in my microfiber blanket and get an extra large, topping-saturated, round, carb-packed pie all to myself. The problem is I can really only do that once in a while without looking like Chris Christie. I love pizza, but I am married to burritos. Today I found out Chipotle is starting delivery service. It won’t be in Utah because they are using a 3rd party delivery service to get it done. Think of it as an Uber of the stomach. Think of it as a slingshot at the sad, fat man inside me. Think of it as a two to five-night addiction. $20 and I don’t have to stop my marathon of HBO documentaries. SOLD!

Heroin is just heroin, but a burrito is meat and cheese and lettuce and salsa and sour cream and beans and god knows what else. If you love even two of those things your fate is sealed. Burroughs wrote in his book, “Junkie” that becoming stung out is harder than people thought. It doesn’t happen the first time, but keep it up and it will happen. Burrito delivery is the exception. One time, that’s it. Get a second job and a militant personal trainer because sooner of later Utah will be getting this service and you will be happy, but you will be round.

Prepare yourselves, burritos are coming.

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