Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates December 8th, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: CLOG THE BOWL WILL YOU?

A Florida mother claims her four-year-old son was forced to unclog a toilet with his bare hands after going ‘number one and two’ at his elementary school. Tiffany Huffman said her son’s prekindergarten teacher at Rymfire Elementary School in Palm Coast was punishing him for putting too much toilet paper in the bowl last week.  Huffman said her son told her he then forgot to wash his hands afterwards – and that neither his teacher nor the classroom aide made sure to check. ‘He had just got done going number one and number two, so I guess all of that was in the toilet when he had to do that – barehanded,’ she told WESH. Huffman said her son’s teacher has admitted to the punishment but claims the toilet was clean. But Huffman said it doesn’t matter either way because children were using it before as well. ‘It’s endangering his health,’ she said. ‘I realized afterwards that there were cuts on his hand. The bacteria, anything could set in on those cuts. ‘The time before she [the teacher] had the custodian come and use the plunger which is what you’re supposed to do. But this time she thought he needed to do it himself.’ Huffman said the incident had also embarrassed her young son, who she has since taken out of the school.

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Boner Candidate #2: A LITTLE OVER THE TOP EVEN FOR FOX NEWS

Ralph Peters, a retired lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army and frequently angry and acerbic Fox guest, presented his usual demeanor again Monday during a live interview in which he called President Barack Obama a “total pussy.” When Fox Business Network’s Stuart Varney of “Varney & Co.” asked about Obama’s Sunday night address on terrorism, Peters melted down.”Well, first of all, he keeps speaking about ‘we can’t give into our fears.’ You know, ‘don’t be afraid.’ Look, Mr. President, we’re not afraid. We’re angry. We’re pissed off. We’re furious. We want to see you react. We want you to do something,” Peters’ tirade began. “You’re afraid. I mean, this guy is such a total pussy, it’s stunning,” Peters exploded. “We the people, the American people, who he does not know in any intimate sort of manner. We want action. We want action against Islamic State and then when the president is telling us he is going to destroy ISIS,” he continued. “This is a president who has done more harm to American police departments than he has done to Islamic State. This is a president who restrains our military. He uses it not to defeat ISIS, but for political purposes for political cover. This is a president who doesn’t want to hurt our enemies, this is a president who cares more about thugs in Guantanamo or thugs in Ferguson, Missouri, than he does about law-abiding American citizens and their right to live in safety and peace.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS WAS JUST A BAD IDEA

A 73-year-old man was pulled over for a routine traffic offense in Seattle the other day: driving without his lights on. Things went considerably worse than they should have when the man reportedly tried to snort a little cocaine right in front of the officer. Seattle Police Officer Nic Abts-Olsen was prepared to the elderly man go with a warning because of his clean driving record, however, that’s when he saw the man scoop into a glass vial of cocaine. Startled when the officer came back to his window, the man fumbled the vial and spilled its snow-white contents in his car. Making matters worse is the fact that the man tried to brush it off like a second grader who’d just been caught stealing extra cookies by their mother. “What’s in your left hand?” asked Abts-Olsen. “Nothing,” the man replied “Show me what’s in your left hand,” the officer demanded. The driver tried to claim he had vitamin pills, but then said “I know!” after the officer (correctly) pointed out that white powder looks nothing like a vitamin pill. Instead of getting let off with a warning, the man was arrested and booked into the King County Jail for possession of narcotics.

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