Utah Colleges Declare War on Hairterosexuality

It’s a huge problem on college campuses. Faces are unrecognizable and professors can’t tell any of their male students apart. Professor Hirsute, who teaches women’s studies on one of Utah’s major college campuses, claims it is getting harder and harder to tell her male students apart. “The fact is I can’t tell my male students apart. Unkempt and looking like a bunch of burners or like they play for some 70’s Southern rock band. How can I instill individuality and knowledge into this generation when they all look like Grizzly Adams while not even knowing who Grizzly Adams is?” Professor Hirsute comments ring out aloud across many state institutions. X96 has obtained documents citing guidelines most Utah universities are being asked to consider when it comes to facial hair:


Obtained documents of proposed university facial hair regulation

Apart from these guidelines students are free to learn and attend the school of their choosing as long as they have never “smelt it or dealt it”, accidentally sneezed in the presence of the opposite sex, consumed any sugary drink containing carbonation, seen “Eyes Wide Shut” or played Jenga in mixed company. Many students in the state have protested these strict guidelines by not shaving while getting good grades and excelling in their field of study, but this hasn’t always been enough in the eyes of administrators. One such administrator, who asked not to be identified, stated, “Whether or not students are gaining knowledge to lead and make the world a better place through intelligence and innovation, if they look like ZZ Top we do not want them affiliated with our institution. I don’t care if they cure cancer, put a man on Mars or figure out a way to make diet beverages taste exactly like their original counterparts. Facial hair has no place in higher learning.”

Some student Unions have placed vending machines filled with razors and shaving cream in their commons area and other campuses hold events where only shaven men may attend.

When pressed about any potential women who may have some unsightly facial growth, a college board representative said they didn’t consider that to be offensive because they don’t feel women are evolved enough to use a razor on their faces. That representative also asked to remain unidentified.

For more on this story head over to the Tribune.


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