Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates November 12th, 2015

Boner Candidate#1: God Will Judge America For Harry Potter’s ‘Homosexual Mentor’

Warning that “we are on the very cusp of judgment as I see it and we need to call America to repent,” Swanson listed off the various sins of which Americans need to repent. “America, repent of your rebellion against God!” he yelled. “America, repent of stumbling the little ones! America, repent of ‘Harry Potter’! America, repent of ‘How to Train Your Dragon’! “America, repent that Dumbledore emerged as a homosexual mentor for Harry Potter, that Hiccup’s mentor in ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ emerged as a homosexual himself in order that history might repeat itself one more time, in order that little six- and seven- and eight-year-olds might stumble, in order that tens of millions of parents, it would be better that a millstone be hanged around their neck and they be drowned at the bottom of the sea than that there would be so many people stumbling so many children in public schools, in movie theaters, in homes in which children are raised to be stumbled by the Dumbledores and by the mentors of Hiccup in ‘How to Train Your Dragon’!”

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Boner Candidate#2: JESUS WANTS ME TO BE DISCREET

In a rare media interview broadcast Tuesday night, Elevation Church Pastor Steven Furtick said revealing how much money he makes and how much of it he gives away would be unfair to his family and would violate Jesus’ call to be discreet about donations. Furtick, 35, also told WCCB-TV anchor Morgan Fogarty that he would continue to resist calls from the media and others to be more detailed in discussing the Charlotte church’s finances. “I would never make a decision about how the church’s finances were communicated based on the agenda of a reporter or a newspaper,” he said. Elevation has released more financial information in the last year or two, and it has donated millions of dollars to charities, missions and new churches. But accountability questions remain. Those who attend the church contribute about $500,000 to Elevation every weekend, but money matters – including Furtick’s salary – are still decided by a board of out-of-town pastors rather than locals active in the church. Unlike most churches, where lay leaders from the congregation help govern and make decisions, Furtick’s flock does not set or even know how much the pastor is paid.

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Boner Candidate#3: WE ARE THE AUTHORITY AND WE ARE NEVER WRONG

At Klein Collins High they teach the importance of hard, scientific proof and the value of equal justice for all.
But when it comes to sophomore Hailey Gibbons, there’s strong evidence educators on this campus aren’t practicing what they preach. “I would say I am not on drugs and they would say you are, just give it up, you are. I started breaking down,” said Hailey who is 16 years old. It all started when Hailey was late to class and took a tardy form to the office. An assistant principal she’d never met decided she was acting odd and summoned a nurse who conducted a field sobriety test. Accusations of intoxication soon followed. Hailey, who maintains solid grades and has never been in trouble, insisted more than a dozen times she was completely sober and a simple drug test would prove it. “If they would have known me they would have known that I would not be on any type of drugs and the fact that they kept accusing me over and over again, when they just don’t know anything,” said Hailey.

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