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Boner Preview Candidates for August 12, 2015

Help us choose today’s boner finalists for August 12, 2015!

Boner Preview Candidate #1: MY THIS WILL BE FUNNY

Police are searching for pranksters who burst into a Southern California movie theater this weekend and frightened the audience with the roar of a leaf blower.¬†One man opened an emergency exit, allowing another to enter and yell “I’ve got a chainsaw” while revving a motor, according to reports. The prank occurred during a screening of “The Gift” in Newport Beach, California, Saturday night. Police later determined that the motor belonged to a leaf blower. Moviegoers fled, and three patrons “suffered minor injuries in their haste to exit the theater,” according to the Newport Beach Police Department.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: I WANT A NEW FERRARI

t’s easy for all of us cash-deprived near-animals to judge the actions of our monied betters. So I’m asking you to keep an open mind when considering the tale of a 20-year-old son of a Swiss millionaire who deliberately set his Ferrari 458 Italia on fire in the hopes of getting a newer, better Ferrari. Just think about it from his side: he wanted a new one.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: MAYBE THE MAYOR DESERVED A BEATING

A man accused of attacking an Alabama mayor outside a barber shop has been charged with assault, police said Monday. Talladega Mayor Larry Barton told authorities that Green assaulted him on Saturday morning while he was getting out of his car outside of a barbershop where he works part time in Vestavia Hills, a suburb of Birmingham located about 55 miles west of Talladega. Barton, 75, said the suspect used a baseball bat or a similar object to repeatedly strike him in his head, according to the police statement. Green tried fleeing the scene on a bicycle but was stopped by bystanders, the statement said.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: STEALING FROM THE OLD LADIES

Cottonwood Heights police are hunting for a thieving couple who specialize in victimizing elderly women while they shop for groceries. Police Detective Dan Morzelewski said that on July 30, the victims were intentionally bumped by a male suspect to distract them while he took wallets from their purses. Both thefts occurred at grocery stores, one in Cottonwood Heights and another in neighboring Murray. The victims’ credit cards were then used by the female accomplice to rack up more than $2,000 in charges at the Target, Home Depot and Game Stop businesses in Cottonwood Heights.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: THANKS OBAMA WITH A CHERRY ON IT.

A 44-year-old Obama critic was arrested for retail theft in Illinois last month after authorities say he shoved a vibrator down his pants and offered to show an officer his penis, The Smoking Gun reports.¬†According to police, an officer responding to a stolen merchandise complaint ‚Äúnoticed a large bulge‚ÄĚ in the pants of Christopher Hucko at Lover‚Äôs Lane adult shop in Orkland Park on July 18.¬†‚ÄúI asked Christopher what he had stuffed in his pants, to which he replied ‚Äėmy penis,‚Äô‚ÄĚ writes arresting officer Anthony Carone in his report. ‚ÄúChristopher also stated he had a tattoo of a cherry on his penis and asked me if I wanted to see it.‚ÄĚ

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Boner Preview Candidate #6:¬†TRYING TO SHINE A LIGHT WHERE THE LIGHT DON’T SHINE

A man in Guangzhou has refused to tell doctors how a 25-centimeter-long plastic cylinder was inserted into his anus after recently undergoing a complicated operation to remove the thing.¬†The foreign object was so deeply lodged into the man’s rectum that doctors at the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangzhou’s University of Chinese Medicine had to remove it by cutting into his abdomen, Guangzhou Daily reported.¬†The flashlight-shaped object with a two-centimeter diameter was extracted after a two-hour long operation. The patient, surnamed Cai, did not disclose why the thing was up there in the first place.

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