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Boner Preview Candidates for August 13, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: AM I IMPAIRED? NO DOUBT.

A man who was speeding in reverse, had his zipper down and told St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputies, “There is no doubt that I am impaired,” got locked up, an affidavit states. Deputies about 2:35 a.m. July 11 reported a man later identified as Steven Nichols, 64, pulled in the parking lot of an abandoned building at Naco Road and North U.S. 1 north of Fort Pierce. Nichols, driving a Nissan utility vehicle, revved the engine and started speeding in reverse, which is the opposite of forward. He nearly crashed into a concrete pillar.

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Boner Candidate #2: WHAT ARE YOU HIDING UNDER THERE?

A man suffering from Crohn’s disease was accused of shoplifting after a shop worker mistook his hidden colostomy bag for stolen clothes. Lee Winters-Jones suffers from Crohn’s disease and is forced to carry his colostomy bag underneath his jumper. He had been shopping in Next in Prestatyn, Wales, and noticed an assistant following him down the stairs. After leaving the story and continuing his shopping in Marks and Spencer, the Next assistant confronted him and accused him of stealing. Mr Winter-Jones, who has recently had a hernia operation, told Wales Online: “He just came up to me and said that he had a reason to believe that I had stolen some suit trousers.

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Boner Candidate #3: AND YOU’RE GONNA EAT THOSE STEAKS LATER?

A South Carolina man arrested yesterday for shoplifting ribeye steaks from a Food Lion smuggled meat out of the store in his colostomy bag, according to a police interview with the suspect’s girlfriend. Cops were called Tuesday afternoon to the Food Lion after employees reported that “an older white male” stole $75 worth of ribeye steaks. The workers said that the man drove away from the Roebuck store in a green Nissan (the license plate for which they copied down).

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Boner Candidate #4: BATESVILLE; A CITY COMITTED TO FAITH AND FAMILY

The 60-year-old mayor of a small southeastern Indiana city has been charged with patronizing a male prostitute, while the man he is alleged to have had sex with is accused of failing to disclose his HIV status and attempting to blackmail the dignitary. Richard Fledderman, the three-term mayor of Batesville, paid Randy Wigle-Stevens for sex in June, state police spokesman Sgt. Stephen Wheeles said in a statement Tuesday. Wigle-Stevens, 42, did not tell Fledderman that he has HIV before they had sex and later threatened to go public with details of their encounter unless the mayor paid him extra money, Wheeles said.

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Boner Candidate #5: MAYBE THE MAYOR DESERVED A BEATING

A man accused of attacking an Alabama mayor outside a barber shop has been charged with assault, police said Monday. Benny Green of Irondale will be held on $150,000 bond in the Jefferson County jail, Vestavia Hills police said in a statement. Talladega Mayor Larry Barton told authorities that Green assaulted him on Saturday morning while he was getting out of his car outside of a barbershop where he works part time in Vestavia Hills, a suburb of Birmingham located about 55 miles west of Talladega.

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Boner Candidate #6: STEALING FROM THE OLD LADIES

Cottonwood Heights police are hunting for a thieving couple who specialize in victimizing elderly women while they shop for groceries. Police Detective Dan Morzelewski said that on July 30, the victims were intentionally bumped by a male suspect to distract them while he took wallets from their purses. Both thefts occurred at grocery stores, one in Cottonwood Heights and another in neighboring Murray. The victims’ credit cards were then used by the female accomplice to rack up more than $2,000 in charges at the Target, Home Depot and Game Stop businesses in Cottonwood Heights.

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