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Boner Preview Candidates for August 11, 2015

Help us choose your candidates for Boner of the Day!

Boner Preview #1: THANKS OBAMA WITH A CHERRY ON IT

A 44-year-old Obama critic was arrested for retail theft in Illinois last month after authorities say he shoved a vibrator down his pants and offered to show an officer his penis, The Smoking Gun reports. According to police, an officer responding to a stolen merchandise complaint “noticed a large bulge” in the pants of Christopher Hucko at Lover’s Lane adult shop in Orkland Park on July 18. “I asked Christopher what he had stuffed in his pants, to which he replied ‘my penis,’” writes arresting officer Anthony Carone in his report. “Christopher also stated he had a tattoo of a cherry on his penis and asked me if I wanted to see it.”

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Boner Preview #2: TRYING TO SHINE A LIGHT WHERE THE LIGHT DON’T SHINE

A man in Guangzhou has refused to tell doctors how a 25-centimeter-long plastic cylinder was inserted into his anus after recently undergoing a complicated operation to remove the thing. The foreign object was so deeply lodged into the man’s rectum that doctors at the First Affiliated Hospital of Guangzhou’s University of Chinese Medicine had to remove it by cutting into his abdomen, Guangzhou Daily reported. The flashlight-shaped object with a two-centimeter diameter was extracted after a two-hour long operation. The patient, surnamed Cai, did not disclose why the thing was up there in the first place.

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Boner Preview #3: IF YOU HAVE THE FLU YOU WON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX AND YOU WONT GET PREGNANT

A Seattle woman is set to sue a federally funded medical clinic after she was given a flu shot instead of her regular contraception injection, resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. Yesenia Pacheco attended NeighborCare Health in September 2011 for her Depo-Provera birth control injection. But when she returned three months later to receive her next dose, she was told she had received a flu shot by mistake. “I asked what happened [and was told,] ‘You are two months pregnant, you don’t have to have it, you won’t have to pay anything’,” Pacheco said, recalling a conversation with the clinic’s staff.

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Boner Preview #4: MARCO RUBIO EXPLAINS: A HUMAN CANNOT BECOME A CAT

Yesterday, Marco Rubio went on national television to reaffirm his awful anti-abortion beliefs to the public. And of course, to confirm that humans are not, in fact, cats. The defense comes in the wake of last week’s GOP debate, during which Rubio affirmed his stance against abortion even in the case of rape or incest. But first, Rubio made sure to point out that, while economic policies may evolve—scientific understandings? Those are timeless.

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Boner Preview #5: WILL THIS BE USED AS E… WHAT IS YOUR EVIDENCE AGAINST ME?

After being taken into custody for driving while under the influence of marijuana, a 20-year-old Iowa man asked his arresting officer to pose with him for a Snapchat “selfie,” a request that the cop “happily obliged,” according to a criminal complaint. Gilbert Phelps was behind the wheel of a 2000 Toyota Camry around 2 AM yesterday when the vehicle was pulled over for speeding and having an obstructed registration sticker.

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Boner Preview #6: SHE LIKES RIDING OUT THERE

A mom in Minnesota was so determined to get more booze one night last week that she drove to the store despite the fact that she was far too drunk to drive and her 8-year-old daughter was clinging to the vehicle, police say. According to a police report, 46-year-old Rena Giancherio was seen driving away from her home with the girl hanging onto the outside of her pickup, banging on the window, the Star Tribunereports. A neighbor called police after the girl fell off the vehicle, and by the time they arrived, Giancherio was back from the store and had a blood-alcohol level of .30, more than four times the state’s legal limit.

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