Boners

Boner Candidates November 16th, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: CRUZ IS A JACKASS

On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate and senator Ted Cruz said that Muslim refugees from Syria should not be permitted to enter the United States. Christian refugees, however, are okay, he argued, because there is “no meaningful risk” that Christians will commit terrorist acts. “There is no meaningful risk of Christians committing acts of terror. If there were a group of radical Christians pledging to murder anyone who had a different religious view than they, we would have a different national security situation,” Cruz told reporters, according to theWashington Post. “But it is precisely the Obama administration’s unwillingness to recognize that or ask those questions that makes them so unable to fight this enemy. Because they pretend as if there is no religious aspect to this.” In July, former Tennessee congressional candidate, and Christian minister Robert Doggart was indicted by a federal grand jury for allegedly plotting to burn down a mosque in upstate New York. “We will be cruel to them. And we will burn down their buildings [Referring to their mosque and school.]…and if anybody attempts to harm us in any way…we will take them down,” Doggart, recorded over wiretap, told Texas and South Carolina militia members, according to the Daily Beast.

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Boner Candidate #2: HOW ABOUT FEEDING, CLOTHING, AND PUTTING MY KID THROUGH COLLEGE? THAT WOULD BE A FAIR SETTLEMENT.

More than 100 women who blame their pregnancies on errant birth control packaging have joined a negligence lawsuit filed in Philadelphia against several drug companies. The lawsuit follows a 2011 recall of more than 500,000 blister packs after an Iowa customer found the pills packaged out of order, potentially increasing the chance of getting pregnant. All but four of the 117 women involved in the lawsuit became pregnant and 94 went on to give birth. They are now suing Endo Pharmaceuticals Inc. and other companies that made or distributed the pills under various brand names. The women are seeking damages for lost income, medical costs and, in some cases, the cost of raising their children. A spokeswoman at Endo’s U.S. headquarters in Malvern did not immediately return a message Thursday seeking comment. The lawsuit filed last week in Philadelphia came days after a federal judge in Georgia refused to grant class­action certification to a similar suit filed there.

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Boner Candidate #3: THEY PROMISED TO BRING MY GIRLFRIEND BACK

A man who gave a total of $718,000 to two New York City psychics in cash and gifts has come forward with a real doozy of a sad story. Niall Rice, a 33-year-old British consultant, made headlines anonymouslylast June when court documents revealed the bizarre situation. Now, the Manhattan district attorney’s office has suggested that one of the psychics who swindled him, a 26-year-old woman named Priscilla Kelly Delmaro, could plead guilty in exchange for just one year in jail. Rice came forward in an interview with The New York Times published on Sunday. Rice said that the psychics lured him in by promising to help with his problems, and to help him reincarnate an ex-girlfriend who had recently passed away. The whole thing is a bizarre twist of false pretenses and weird happenings, and is well worth the read.

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