Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates November 18th, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: I SAY THOSE CONCERT GOERS DESERVED TO DIE.

Christian Pastor Steven Anderson spent part of his sermon yesterday telling his congregation that, while he doesn’t condone the actions of the Paris attackers, the concertgoers at the Bataclan theater who were there to listen to the band Eagles of Death Metal sorta had it coming. When you go to a concert of death metal, somebody might get killed! You know, you’re worshiping death, and then, all of a sudden, people start dying!… Well, you love death so much, you bought the ticket, you love worshiping Satan! Well, let’s have some of Satan’s religion come in and shoot you! I mean, that’s what these people should think about before they go into such a wicked concert. Anderson, who rarely accept facts, has no idea that the group is more of a parody of death metal bands. They actually play “feelgood, bluesy boogie-rock.” He proceeded to call the group’s leader a “drug-pushing hillbilly faggot.” Anderson also criticized France. As if the nation’s social “sins” deflect from the violence that took place on Friday. Now, let me tell you a little bit about this sinful nation of France. Did you know that France is the only country in the world where more than 50% of the population thinks that adultery is fine? All of us over here in Tempe, Arizona… we’re supposed to be mourning today about these 120-some people who died in France, but we’re not supposed to give a rip about the 500 babies that France aborted today. That doesn’t matter.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’M SURE PEOPLE OF OTHER FAITHS WOULDN’T TAKE OFFENCE AT THAT

Republican presidential candidate John Kasich says he’d set up an agency with a “mandate” to promote what he calls “Judeo-Christian values” overseas to counter Islamist propaganda. The Ohio governor says he would create the new agency to promote the values of human rights, democracy and the freedoms of speech, religion and association. Kasich says the information would be distributed in the Middle East, China, Iran and Russia, to compete with the propaganda and misinformation purveyed by Islamic militants. He made the comments Tuesday at the National Press Club in Washington, as part of a speech on national security. Kasich says the U.S. is “failing to advance our values in the battle of ideas” in the face of advances by the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq.The agency’s “job would be fundamentally to revive what we used to do when we beamed messages into the former Soviet Union,” he told NBC News in a subsequent interview. “We need to beam messages around the world about what it means to have a Western ethic, to be part of a Judeo-Christian society. It means freedom, it means opportunity, it means respect for women, it means freedom to gather, it means so many things.”

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Boner Candidate #3: A TRUNK FULL OF DANGEROUS SOAP

Confused and/or corrupt police in central Pennsylvania have been sued in federal court for holding a man in jail for 29 days over homemade soap they thought was cocaine, reports The Morning Call. Almost exactly two years ago, police pulled over a Mercedes-Benz on Interstate 78 near Allentown for “approaching 60 mph in a 55 mph zone” and “riding a traffic line for about a half-mile.” Driving the car was 26-year-old Annadel Cruz, of New York, with Alexander J. Bernstein in the passenger seat. In the trunk of the Mercedes were two bricks of the good shit: raw, uncut, top-grade homemade soap. According to the police report, Bernstein told police he had a bag in the trunk and gave police permission to search it. In the bag, the trooper found two brick-size packages, which were covered in clear plastic wrap and red tape. Cruz told police the packages contained soap she had made for her sister in Florida, but a field test showed that the substance was cocaine. The packages weighed 5.2 pounds. Police also reportedly found a small amount of marijuana in the car, and Cruz apparently admitted to police that she’d smoked pot earlier in the day. Which, hey, that’s illegal! But police, armed with an apparently positive field test for cocaine, charged both Cruz and Bernstein with possession with intent to deliver cocaine, possession of cocaine, conspiracy, and possession of drug paraphernalia. So, this already stinks. Bernstein was held on $500,000 bail, and was released 29 days later after paying reduced bail and court costs that totaled over $32,000. His detention lasted through Thanksgiving. This really stinks. Bernstein is now suing their asses.

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