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Boner Candidates for February 4, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: THAT HANDWASHING THING IS UP TO YOU

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Image By Liz Henry

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) argued this week that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom. On Monday, the freshman senator ended his talk at the Bipartisan Policy Center (BPC) with a story to illustrate his philosophy on government regulations.

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Boner Candidate #2: IS IT ALWAYS RAPE? I’M JUST ASKING

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Image By Wolfram Burner

If someone can’t consent to sex, it’s rape. A Utah measure seeking to make that legal clarification won early approval in a state legislative committee Tuesday, but some lawmakers qualified their support, questioning whether the law would designate sex with an unconscious spouse as rape. “If an individual has sex with their wife while she is unconscious … a prosecutor could then charge that spouse with rape, theoretically,” said Rep. Brian Greene, R-Pleasant Grove.“That makes sense in a first date scenario, but to me, not where people have a history of years of sexual activity.” Others disagreed. If a person is unconscious, having sex with him or her “is rape. Period. End of story,” said Rep. Brian King, D-Salt Lake City. “Let’s make the statute clear. Let’s not dance around it.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THE EVIL MEDIA AND THE ANTI CHRIST HOMOSEXUALS

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Image By Colin Harris

His voice breaking at times, former TV pitchman “Super Dell” Schanze passionately told a federal judge Tuesday that he is a hero in his restrained use of guns to defend himself during several incidents over the years, and he doesn’t deserve to be “terrorized” by law officers and the “evil media.” And the current federal charges of harassing wildlife while flying a paraglider were manufactured by an “anti-Christ homosexual who hates me,” Schanze told U.S. District Judge Dee Benson. Nevertheless, Benson declined to reverse a decision that ordered Schanze to rid his home of weapons while he awaits trial on the two misdemeanors brought about by a YouTube video allegedly showing the former owner of the defunct Totally Awesome Computers chasing an owl while riding a motorized paraglider near Utah Lake.

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Feature Image By Wolfram Burner


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