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Boner Candidates for January 4 2016

Boner Candidate #1: MY ROLLING WALMART BUFFET

A woman in Florida was arrested for riding a cart in a Walmart while eating chicken and drinking wine, according to local media reports on Sunday. Josseleen Lopez, 25, is accused of riding on a motorized shopping cart through a store in Lecanto and opening bottles of wine and eating food out of packages, ABC Action News reported. A loss prevention officer spotted Lopez riding a cart with a half-empty bottle of wine inside of it. He later saw her eating an entire rotisserie chicken with sauce on the sales floor, according to the report Store security said Lopez opened a sushi package and ate a piece before putting it back on the shelf. She also was seen eating a package of mini muffins and cinnamon rolls. In all, she consumed around $32 worth of food.

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Boner Candidate #2: IS THERE REALLY A LOT OF MONEY IN A COMDOM MACHINE?

A man died on Christmas Day in Germany after he was hit in the head by a flying piece of metal from a condom machine that he and two accomplices blew up in an apparent robbery attempt, police said on Monday. The 29-year-old man was taken to hospital in the western town of Schoeppingen, near the Dutch border, by the two other men who fled the scene of the explosion in a car, leaving behind condoms and money scattered around the gutted vending machine. The two men told hospital officials that their friend had fallen down the stairs, injuring his head.

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Boner Candidate #3: PUT ME IN JAIL. IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THIS

A 21-year-old farm worker from Wisconsin who was caught having sex with a female donkey is headed to jail — after asking a judge to revoke his more lenient initial sentence. Gideon Swartzentruber was originally only ordered to spend a year on probation, undergo counseling and pay a $443 fine after confessing to the sordid sexual encounter at a barn in Neillsville in September, according to the Marshfield News Herald. Swartzentruber was caught by the donkey’s owner, and reportedly told investigators that his “privates were out of control” and that he “got crazy and carried away.” He faced nine months in jail and a $10,000 fine after pleading guilty at Clark County Circuit Court in November. But the final penalty handed down ended up being much less severe. Swartzentruber, who was representing himself, returned to the court Wednesday and asked Judge Jon Counsell to revoke the sentence and instead lock him up,according to court records.

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