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Boner Candidates for March 27, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: EVIL CHEETOS

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Image By Mike Mozart

Children who eat crisps with packets bearing the faces of vampires and skeletons have been told they are being “nourished by demons”. The Cheetos crisps brand has been attacked by a Catholic website for glamorizing the occult. Writing for the right-wing religious website Fronda.pl, an anonymous author wrote a post warning against the snack, saying: “Parents be aware of Demonic crisps. Demons, skeletons and vampires – these are the new variants of Cheetos snacks. All under the guise of innocent family fun. Is this not dabbling in the dangerous world of demons?” A spokesman for the publication said: “We view these crisps as dangerous as by eating them children will be nourished by demons.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THEN DRINK IT ASSHAT; DRINK IT.

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Image By Mike Mozart

A controversial lobbyist who claimed that the chemical in Monsanto’s Roundup weed killer was safe for humans refused to drink his own words when a French television journalist offered him a glass. In a preview of an upcoming documentary on French TV, Dr. Patrick Moore tells a Canal+ interviewer that glyphosate, the active ingredient in Roundup herbicide, was not increasing the rate of cancer in Argentina. “You can drink a whole quart of it and it won’t hurt you,” Moore insists. “You want to drink some?” the interviewer asks. “We have some here.” “I’d be happy to, actually,” Moore replies, adding, “Not really. But I know it wouldn’t hurt me.” “If you say so, I have some,” the interviewer presses. “I’m not stupid,” Moore declares. “So, it’s dangerous?” the interviewer concludes. But Moore claims that Roundup is so safe that “people try to commit suicide” by drinking it, and they “fail regularly.” “Tell the truth, it’s dangerous,” the interviewer says. “It’s not dangerous to humans,” Moore remarks. “No, it’s not.” “So, are you ready to drink one glass?” the interviewer continues to press. “No, I’m not an idiot,” Moore says defiantly. “Interview me about golden rice, that’s what I’m talking about.”

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Boner Candidate #3: FUN FOR US AND FUN FOR THEM WE THOUGHT

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Image By Josh Rushing

Inmates at a San Francisco jail were forced into “gladiator-style fights” by sheriff’s deputies who bet on the outcomes, according to a public defender. The accusations are “outrageously sadistic scenarios that sound like its out of Game of Thrones,” public defender Jeff Adachi told The San Francisco Examiner. Adachi said in a news release that the fights were orchestrated by Deputy Scott Neu, who made 150-pound Rico Palikiko Garcia to fight 350-pound Stanly Harris twice this month at the jail in the city’s Hall of Justice. The two were promised hamburgers for winning, and “threatened with Mace, handcuffed beatings, and transfers to dangerous housing quarters if they refused to fight,” the news release said. And when both men were injured in the fight, they were told they would be beaten if they sought medical attention. “They took me down to the hallway and told me to fight another inmate, which was Stanley, and told me if I didn’t fight that I would basically get beat up by themselves, by Deputy Neu. And he told me he was going to Mace me and cuff me if I didn’t.” Garcia said, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

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Feature Image By 124o5


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