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Boner Candidates for Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: JASON GATES IS NOT GUILTY AND THIS IS NOT HIM SAYING THAT

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Image By Raymond Shobe

A Sandy man charged with theft finds himself in more trouble. Prosecutors say Jason Gates, 37, tried a little too hard to get out of one crime. Now, he’s accused of two. “This is a little bit more serious,” said Salt Lake County District Attorney Sim Gill.  Gates was accused of stealing from a Sandy liquor store near 9000 South 120 West, and a court date was set. Later, on June 16, according to court documents, he called the city justice court, posed as an employee of the liquor store, and told the clerk, “there was a misunderstanding and that Jason Gates did pay for the alcohol.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME

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Image By Bruce McKay

Deputies say a Sumter County couple has been arrested after they forced their 14-year-old daughter to live in a tent in the woods because she ate a Pop Tart without permission. Investigators said 33-year-old James Driggers and his 36-year-old wife, Crystal, only gave their daughter a flashlight, a roll of toilet paper, a whistle and a watch and told her she had to stay out in the woods for a week.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’LL PERFORM YOUR HOMOSEXUAL MARRAIGE IF YOU SIGN MY DOCUMENT

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Image By Joe Gratz

A Texas judge is so opposed to same-sex weddings that he wants every couple he marries — straight or gay — to sign a document acknowledging his views.  The agreement required by Judge James R. DePiazza, of The Colony, which is just north of Dallas, states that he doesn’t want to perform same-sex weddings but will do so if asked.  “Judge DePiazza prefers to NOT conduct same-sex ceremonies, but will not decline anyone who chooses to schedule with him,” the document states (the caps are in the original).

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