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Boner Preview Candidates for September 8, 2015

Boner Preview Candidate #1: WE EAT LESS BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER SEE OUR FOOD

In what must be the oddest new weight loss trend, women in Hong Kong are reportedly staring at the sun in order to lose weight. Hong Kong’s fitness-mad culture means green juices and hypobaric chambers are no longer just the reserve of the most extreme health fanatics. But the latest means of staying in shape seems really bizarre. Women have been spotted staring directly at the sun before sunset on a beach in Sam Ka Village, Coconuts Hong Kong reports.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: THANKS CHIEF HOOVER FOR A JOB WELL DONE

A police chief in Oregon retired this week after officers say he responded to an accusation of racism by imitating a monkey, singing “Dixie” and pantomiming a beating, KOIN reports. In papers obtained by the station, officers allege that Clatskanie Police Chief Marvin Hoover made the racist display when they attempted to debrief him on the arrest of black woman who threatened to file a discrimination lawsuit. “I relayed several of the arrestee’s remarks such as, ‘When you look at me, my black and my nappy hair, all you see is animal,’” writes Officer Dustin Stone in his official report to the Oregon Department of Public Safety. “Chief Hoover interrupted me and said, ‘That’s what she is.’”

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: SARAH PALIN IN THE TRUMP CABINET? GOD HELP US

In what could be a bid for a post in a future Donald Trump administration, Sarah Palin emerged out of the weeds on Sunday and urged the country to “speak American.” Republican presidential candidate Trump, who continues to dominate the polls in the early primary states of Iowa and New Hampshire, escalated his feud with rival Jeb Bush this week when he chided the former Florida governor for speaking Spanish on the campaign trail. Bush, who is bilingual and whose wife was born in Mexico, vowed to keep speaking Spanish whenever he feels like it.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: RACISTS WITH A CAN OF SPRAY PAINT

According to the Pinellas Park Police, at least seven properties have been vandalized in the Ciega Village neighborhood. Recently Wayne Scott, 51, became the victim of the imbecile with a can of spray paint while he was out of town. Scott, an African-American veteran, was visiting his mother in Virginia when his house was hit. His neighbor, Jamal Clark woke up on Tuesday morning and saw a racist message painted on Scott’s home. Clark said the message was “all about hate” and asked police to not paint over the message for a few days.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: PILLOW FIGHTS ARE HELL

The helmeted cadet faces the camera, eyes glazed from battle, blood streaming from both nostrils and dripping onto his Kevlar vest. Pillow fights are hell. The first pictures emerged Saturday from this year’s annual freshman pillow melee at West Point, revealing the scope of combat and casualties at a free-for-all that left 30 cadets with concussions and other injuries. The annual tradition, which dates back to at least 1897, has been a way for first-year cadets, known as “plebes,” to swing a few pillows at their comrades and harmlessly blow off steam after a grueling, seven-week summer of training.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: BUCKEYE VANDALS

Police are investigating after rock art was vandalized in a canyon near Levan. The vandalism occurred sometime in August in a tributary of Chicken Creek Canyon, about 10 miles southeast of Levan, according to Manti-La Sal National Forest Heritage Program Leader Charmaine Thompson. The area has a small collection of pictographs —painted figures — on exposed round rocks on the conglomerate canyon wall. Lindon resident Rex Daley said he first saw the rock art around 40 years ago when his father-in-law showed it to him. Daley was in the area bidding for a construction job in Chicken Creek Canyon when he decided to go look at the beautiful rock art. When he discovered the graffiti, Daley quickly reported it to Forest Service officials. The rock wall shows the names of several individuals and “Ohio State University,” leading local officials to believe it occurred during the school’s annual geology field camp in the area.

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Boner Preview Candidate #7: UN-RAPEABLE

Damon Wayans is the latest celebrity to jump to the defense of Bill Cosby. The actor appeared on Power 105.1’s “The Breakfast Club” radio show on Friday, where he said that he doesn’t think Cosby is a rapist. Wayans went on to explain his theory about the 51 women who’ve come forward with their stories of being drugged or sexually assaulted by the comedian.  First, he provided a little bit of advice.  “Tell the truth. If I was him, I would divorce my wife — wink, wink — give her all my money, and then I would go to a deposition. I’d light one of them three-hour cigars, I’d have me some wine and maybe a Quaalude. And I would just go off,” he said.


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