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Boner Candidates for April 22, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: SON. IT IS AGAINST THE LAW TO KEEP A SNAKE OF THAT NATURE ON YOUR BED

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Image By vastateparksstaff

A Wimauma teen is hospitalized at Tampa General Hospital after he was bit on the face by a cottonmouth snake on Saturday night. Cottonmouth snakes are also known as water moccasins. Investigators say Austin Hatfield, 18, had captured the snake several days earlier, put it in a pillowcase and kept the pillowcase on his bed. At some point on Saturday night, the snake escaped and the teen grabbed it close to his chest. The snake then bit him in the face, according to Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Spokesperson Gary Morse.

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Boner Candidate #2: WE HAVE POLICIES AND SHE VIOLATED THEM

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Image By Anders Sandberg

A fast food restaurant is robbed and the shift manager says she got fired for refusing to pay the money back. “I told them I’m not paying nothing,” said Marissa Holcomb. “I just had a gun to me. I’m not paying the money.” The heist happened on March 31st at the Popeyes restaurant in the 500 block of Sheldon Road in Channelview and was captured on surveillance video. In the video, you see a man with a beanie over his face run in waving a gun. He forced all the employees to the floor. Then, he turned his attention to Marissa. “By the back of my shirt, he pulled me up and he pushed me to the front,” she recalled. “He told me to give him everything out of my safe.” But the only thing Marissa could open were the registers. The gunman got away with nearly $400 dollars. Marissa claimed that after the robbery, one of her managers gave her a choice to either pay the money back or get fired. “I don’t think it’s right because now I’m struggling for my family because what I had to do to keep my life” Less than 36 hours after the robbery, Marissa was fired.

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Boner Candidate #3: GAYS CAUSE ABORTIONS

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Image By Steve Snodgrass

Gene Schaerr, the lawyer who failed to defend Utah’s ban on same-sex marriages last year, recently warned that gay weddings would be to blame for 900,000 abortions. Writing for the conservative Heritage Foundation’s Daily Signal last week, Schaerr began with the faulty logic that a “reduction in the opposite-sex marriage rate means an increase in the percentage of women who are unmarried and who, according to all available data, have much higher abortion rates than married women.” According to Schaerr, fewer married women meant abortion rates would skyrocket. “Accordingly, with 1.275 million additional women never getting married, nearly 900,000 more children of the next generation would be aborted as a result of their mothers never marrying,” he wrote.

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AND…

As the Supreme Court prepares to take up same-sex marriage next week, conservative scholars have produced a last-ditch argument to keep the scourge of homosexual unions from spreading across the land: Gay marriage kills. They’re saying that legalizing same-sex marriage will cause 900,000 abortions. The logic is about as obvious as if they had alleged that raising the minimum wage would increase the frequency of hurricanes. If anything, you’d think that more same-sex marriages would mean more adoptions.

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Feature Image By vastateparksstaff

 


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