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Boner Candidates for April 4, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: GUN? WHAT GUN?

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Image By Doug Kerr

There are like, two places left in the United States where you have a reasonable expectation to not encounter gunfire (petting zoo, kindergarten graduation ceremony), and church is no longer one of them. The Altoona Mirror reports that the Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament’s Easter mass was more wild than expected this year after “a legally carried handgun discharged in the pocket of an attendee,” grazing his hand. It appears “a critical piece of the handgun apparently caught on the man’s pants as he stood up,” whereupon this unnamed man passed the gun to a friend, who attempted to hide it in his church program. Trying to disguise a gun that’s just gone off inside a church program is maybe the only thing more brazen than actually shooting the gun inside church.

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS GOES AGAINST THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS. IT JUST AINT RIGHT

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Image By Joe Shlabotnik

A gay Louisiana high school student says she is going to skip her prom because the school’s principal will not let her wear a tuxedo. Claudettia Love is a senior and one of the top students in her class at Carroll High School in Monroe. Love said she was planning on going to prom with a group of friends, but now they are going to stay away. “I told my mom, ‘They’re using me. They put me in all these honors and advanced placement classes so I can take all of these tests and get good grades and better the school, but when it’s time for me to celebrate the fact that I’ve accomplished what I need to accomplish and I’m about to graduate, they don’t want to let me do it, the way I want to,'” she told The News-Star. Principal Patrick Taylor told the paper that the decision is part of the school’s dress code and it is not anything personal. Monroe City School Board President Rodney McFarland disagreed. “Banning her from her prom just because of what she wants to wear — that’s discrimination,” he said. “As far as I know there is no Monroe City School Board policy saying what someone has to wear to attend the prom. You can’t just go making up policies.”

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Boner Candidate #3: FINGER LICKIN GOOD

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Image By Dani Latorre

There’s a place for sultry and steamy television and usually it’s after dark on a pay channel. So you could imagine the surprise of one customer at a local fast food restaurant when he saw nudity on the TV. “Strong sexual content, there was full nudity of both partner,” said customer Gerald Whalen about what was showing on the TV at the KFC near Santa Fe and Danforth last Thursday around 9:30 p.m. Whalen partially captured the steamy scene with his phone. It’s already been viewed tens of thousands of times online. “Then the sounds started and everyone in the whole place could absolutely hear it,” said Whalen, who thought it was a pornographic movie.

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Feature Image By AK Rockefeller

 


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