Boner #1: I’M A CIA GUY HONEST I AM
A regular guest commentator on Fox News who has been lying for years about working for the Central Intelligence Agency was arrested on Thursday and is being charged in connection with falsely claiming he worked as an “Outside Paramilitary Special Operations Officer” for the CIA for nearly three decades. Wayne Simmons, a 62-year-old who lives in Annapolis, Maryland, was arrested by federal authorities following his indictment by a federal grand jury for allegedly committing major fraud, wire fraud, and making false statements to the government. Simmons claims to have worked for the CIA from 1973 to 2000, and “used that false claim in an attempt to obtain government security clearances and work as a defense contractor, including at one point successfully getting deployed overseas as an intelligence advisor to senior military personnel,” according to a press release from the U.S. Attorney in the Eastern District of Virginia. In court documents, federal prosecutors alleged that Simmons had a “significant criminal history, including convictions for a crime of violence and firearms offenses, and is believed to have had an ongoing association with firearms notwithstanding those felony convictions.” They successfully petitioned a judge to keep Simmons’ indictment sealed until his arrest today, noting that Simmons “has a history of acting in an aggressive manner, and is likely aware of the imminent nature of the charges in this case.”
Boner #2: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FREEDOM OF RELIGION MAN
Dale and Shannon Hickman don’t believe in doctors. Because of this religious conviction, set forth by the cult the couple belongs to, Oregon City’s Followers of Christ Church, the Hickmans let their premature infant die after being being born at home rather than seek medical help. As a result of this decision, the couple was convicted of manslaughter in 2011. The child, named David Hickman, weighed just 3 lbs, 7 ounces at birth. His tragically short life was only 9 hours long. According to reports, the Hickmans went to Shannon’s mother for help when she began having contractions more than two months prior to her due date. The couple says they didn’t notice anything was wrong with the baby until just minutes prior to his death — a claim which an expert on this subject has called a lie. Instead of calling a hospital like most rational people, they prayed over the dying baby and “anointed” his head with oil. Both halves of the Hickman couple will spend a minimum of 6 years and 3 months in prison for their actions, which is light, considering the fact that their child lost his life over their idiotic beliefs. The judge in the case, Robert Herndon, called one of the cult’s midwives “one of the most dangerous people in Oregon.”
Boner 3 WE’RE KEEPING A REAL CLOSE EYE ON THIS GUY
Newly released federal court documents detail a disturbing case against an alleged sexual predator, who is accused of abducting, raping and impregnating a teen while he himself was supposed to be under constant supervision in connection with another abduction case. Cody Lee Jackson, 20, of Norwood, Ohio, was captured in Utah last week, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of Ohio. Federal authorities have charged him with production of child pornography, coercion and enticement of a minor to engage in illegal sexual activity. Jackson also faces multiple state charges in Ohio in the latest prosecution, including four counts of rape, one count of kidnapping, four counts of unlawful sexual contact with a minor and one count of interference with custody. The federal court documents detail the bizarre case. In the prior matter, charges for interference with custody, abduction and kidnapping had been brought against Jackson in August 2014, after police say Jackson held an adult woman and a minor against their will at a hotel in Blue Ash, Ohio. The two told police that Jackson was “abusive and controlling and would not let them leave,” the documents allege. Jackson entered a plea of not guilty to those charges. In January of this year, he posted a $100,000 bond and was released under electronic monitoring, pending the outcome of the case. Roughly a month later, prosecutors say that Jackson, while still under electronic monitoring, contacted a 14-year-old girl on Facebook. “Jackson told [the girl] he wanted to hang out with her and complimented her looks,” the court documents allege. “After about 20 or 30 minutes, Jackson told [the girl] he wanted to have a child with her.”
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