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Boner Preview Candidates September 17th, 2015

Boner Preview Candidate #1: HEY IM AN ACTOR; I WAS ACTING

Sometimes we’re confronted with difficult truths about our heroes, America. And sometimes we’re blessed with incredible stories. On days like today—both. The New YorkTimes reports that one of the stars of FXX comedy The League has been lying for years about juuust barely escaping the World Trade Center after the attacks on September 11. He was in Midtown, as it turns out.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: AN AMBULANCE IS KIND OF EXPENSIVE

Who can put a price on human life? According to a grand jury report, the brothers of Baruch College’s Pi Delta Psi fraternity, who googled the cost of an ambulance as a pledge lay dying before determining such medical assistance would be too expensive.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: I’M TIRED OF ALL THIS BLACK PEOPLE PARANOIA

Seattle Police Officer Cynthia Whitlatch was fired Tuesday for showing racial bias and a lack of remorse when she improperly arrested a 69-year-old black man who was using a golf club as a cane.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: BONEHEADED CHRISTIANS IN ARIZONA

A proposal under consideration by the city council in the Arizona city of Coolidge would allow only Christian prayers before its meetings.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: COME ON PASTOR. HOW MUCH LONG WILL SHE BE AROUND ANYWAY

A 103-year-old woman who has been attending the same church for nearly her whole life said she has been banned for disagreeing with her pastor’s way of service.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: POSTAL PERSONS PILFER PAGAN PAPERBACKS

“Six of the eight boxes of books were damaged badly. They had been ripped open along entire sides of the box and the contents obviously had been exposed and put back in the boxes and taped back together by the post office. When I received some of the boxes, there were still entire sides wide open,” said Sforza.

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Boner Preview Candidate #7: Jeb Bush wants Margaret Thatcher on the $10 bill

Each of the 11 candidates got the chance to make a suggestion for the next bill redesign, marking one of the softer questions of the party’s second live debate.

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