Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates for February 3 2016

Boner Candidate #1: HOW DARE HE MAKE THE TRAIN LATE?

A high school boy jumped to his death in front of a Metro-North train in The Bronx on Monday — but a cruel MTA worker seemed to care only about the troubled teen making his train late. “Some guy got killed! I hope the motherf–ker suffered!” the employee declared over a hot mike in a pronouncement clearly audible to passengers on a train stuck at Grand Central Terminal due to the suicide. Some commuters were so shocked at hearing the callous comments, they sent out tweets and texts ­expressing their dismay. “You know how sometimes conductors talk to each other but it’s transmitted to the entire train?” one man wrote to his daughter in a text.

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Boner Candidate #2: I HAVE THIS LITTLE SECRETARY.

The Utah Senate approved legislation Tuesday requiring businesses to accommodate breast-feeding mothers, despite concerns raised about whether it could lead to mothers bringing babies to the workplace and infants into coal mines. “If you’re a mine operator and have women working underground, how is that going to work?” asked Sen. David Hinkins, a Republican from Emery County, where there are numerous mines. “It’s illegal to take a baby underground, of course.” Sen. Todd Weiler, R-Woods Cross, the sponsor of SB59, assured Hinkins the bill “would not require babies in mines” because that sort of arrangement would be unreasonable. He said it would just require companies with 15 or more employees to do things such as give a nursing or pregnant mother an extra break during the day or not require a pregnant woman to lift more than 20 pounds. Sen. Deidre Henderson, R-Spanish Fork, said that, because the bill requires a note from a doctor, it ensures employers won’t have to respond to frivolous or unreasonable requests for special treatment. Henderson said she worked two places when she was pregnant with her oldest child. “One [was a] really great experience and one really bad experience, but I think most employers already do these things,” she said. “And I think this provides a layer of protection for the employer as well.” But Sen. Scott Jenkins, R-Plain City, expressed concerns that, as an employer, having babies in the workplace would be “invasive.” He explained that he has a “little secretary who works for me” who sometimes brings her baby to the office and puts the child on a blanket.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU MUST CEASE INTERFERING WITH TRACTORS SIR.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found by police with his trousers around his ankles “interfering” with a tractor parked in a field outside Saxmundham. He was arrested on suspicion of outraging public decency, and admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors all over the Suffolk countryside. When officers searched his terraced home they found a collection of more than 5,000 tractor images on his laptop. The photos showed Bishop had a special desire for John Deere and Massey Ferguson tractors, particularly green ones. A police insider said: “We couldn’t believe it when we found him in the field. He was wearing a white t-shirt and Wellington boots and very little else. He was clearly in state of high excitement at the rear of the machine. “Thankfully nobody else was around, but the field is close to a village primary school so we had to arrest him and educate him about the error of his ways. “He told us he was particularly ‘in to’ axle grease and the presence of this around the back of tractors was all too much for him.”

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