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Boner Candidates for March 6, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: SO, THE HOMELESS ARE A GOOD FOOD SOURCE

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Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska) suggested Thursday that the solution to homelessness is wolves. Young made the comment during a House Natural Resources Committee hearing during an exchange with Interior Secretary Sally Jewell. He was arguing that gray wolves should be taken off the endangered species list, criticizing the National Park Service and his congressional colleagues who seek to protect the animals. “How many of you have got wolves in your district? None. None. Not one,” Young said, calling the gray wolf “a predator.” “We’ve got 79 congressmen sending you a letter, they haven’t got a damn wolf in their whole district,” Young added. “I’d like to introduce them in your district. If I introduced them in your district, you wouldn’t have a homeless problem anymore.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WELL OF COURSE WE DON’T WANT THEM HERE

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Image by David Goehring

Younger members of the venerable Women’s National Republican Club are demanding an investigation after a top executive was accused of proclaiming lesbians were not welcome. The West 51st Street club, founded in 1921, has been engulfed in a battle after board member Irene Marmott allegedly said publicly of lesbians, “We don’t want them here.” Claire James, co-chair of the club’s young professionals committee, said, “I find it disgraceful that the matter has still not been addressed by the club’s leadership and that Mrs. Marmott continues to serve on the board . . . Many of the younger members in particular are appalled that we have effectively been spoken for by virtue of Mrs. Marmott’s alleged opining that lesbians are unwelcome. Nothing could be further from the truth and many within our ranks have called for Mrs. Marmott’s resignation . . . if the allegations are indeed proved true.” Member Marilyn Thomas e-mailed more than 1,000 other members — who include Barbara Bush, Laura Bush and Nancy Reagan — saying she was mortified when, at a recent meeting, Marmott allegedly said, “Of course, we don’t want them [lesbians] here.”

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Boner Candidate #3: A FEW SNOW PUSH-UPS SHOULDN’T HURT

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Image by Sivi Steys

A Syracuse University pledge may lose four fingers to frostbite after being forced to do push-ups in the snow, NBC News reports. Two of his allegedly cold-hearted fraternity brothers face criminal charges of hazing in the first degree, according to Syracuse police. The Associated Press reports Nu Alpha Phi fraternity brothers took three pledges to a park on Saturday night. The brothers allegedly forced the pledges to do push-ups and crawl through the snow as a punishment for doing chores incorrectly. Though it was 19 degrees outside, NBC reports, pledges wore no gloves and no coats besides hoodies. Investigators told Syracuse.com that after half an hour, the brothers distributed handwarmers and walked the pledges back to campus, but one unidentified 20-year-old student was experiencing pain in his hands. “He ran his hands under warm water, but his hands were still extremely painful,” police said in a release provided to the Associated Press. He went to the hospital the next day, where doctors reportedly diagnosed frostbite and told him he could lose the ring and pinky fingers on both hands. “Obviously he’s concerned because this could be a life-altering injury,” said Syracuse Police Lt. Eric Carr. Syracuse police arrested two Nu Alpha Phi members, Tae Kim, 19, and Jeffrey Yam, 21, CNY Central reports. They were charged with first-degree hazing, a Class A Misdemeanor that carries a maximum sentence of 12 months in jail. The two other pledges have refused to co-operate with the police, Syracuse.com reports.

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Feature image by Gregory Smith


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