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Boner Candidates for March 2, 2015

Boner Candidate #1: I TOLD YOU WE NEED TO GO ON A BEER RUN

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Image by Thirteen Of Clubs

Boynton, FL — When Jerome Clemons’ niece refused to drive him to a liquor store, he got all fired up. So much so that he torched a vehicle and burned part of his home. Clemons, 44, was arrested and charged with one count of arson on Wednesday for the heated incident on Dec. 14 at his house in Boynton Beach, Florida. Clemons had already been drinking when he asked his niece, Robineisha Felton, to drive him to the liquor store to replenish the beer supply, the Florida Sun-Sentinel reports. When she declined, the two argued but Felton left because tempers had flared.

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Boner Candidate#2: JUST DON’T HAVE THE TRIAL DURING THE FULL MOON

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Image by Ulrich Peters

An Atascadero man accused of gunning down his neighbor has believed he was a werewolf for about 20 years, a forensic psychologist testified Tuesday.

The District Attorney’s Office says Mark Andrews, 51, committed murder when he shot Colleen Barga-Milbury, 52, twice on May 22, 2013. But Andrews has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. During trial testimony Tuesday, defense witness Carolyn Murphy, a forensic psychologist who interviewed Andrews for roughly five hours, said she reviewed his mental health records, which includes seven or eight hospitalizations. Murphy said Andrews has schizophrenia and suffers from fixed delusions, which she defined as false beliefs that continue over time. The first record of Andrews believing he was a werewolf, she said, dates to 1996, though she suspects he had that same delusion during his first psychotic episode three years earlier. “(He believes) he transforms into a werewolf,” she said, and “holds the spirit of the wolf.” Murphy said Andrews believed the voice of God commanded him to kill Barga-Milbury, whom he believed was a vampire.

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Boner Candidate #3: CANCER? TRY A LITTLE BAKING SODA

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Image by Willis Lam

Republican Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore suggested on her radio show last Saturday that cancer is a fungus you can flush out with a non-FDA approved drug (that is basically baking soda). Fiore, who was removed from a leadership role over tax liens last year, told listeners of her plans to introduce a “terminally ill bill” that will allow patients diagnosed with terminal illnesses to use baloney treatments like baking soda for cancer. As first reported by Jon Ralston, Fiore told listeners: “If you have cancer, which I believe is a fungus, and we can put a pic line into your body and we’re flushing, let’s say, salt water, sodium cardonate [sic], through that line, and flushing out the fungus… These are some procedures that are not FDA-approved in America that are very inexpensive, cost-effective.” The American Cancer Society warns that while cancer patients whose immune systems are weakened by high doses of chemotherapy can sometimes contract fungal infections, “there is no evidence that antifungal treatment causes the patients’ tumors to shrink.” Cancer Research UK dismisses the claim that sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) can cure cancer as a debunked “persistent cancer myth.”

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Featured Image By Mr. Evil Cheese Scientist

 


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